Would you recommend that women have female mentors or male mentors?
They need to have both. They need women who have been successful to show them how to successfully maneuver the workplace playing field.
The playing field is different for men and women: The boundaries for women, in many areas, are much narrower, and as you know, if the boundaries are narrower, it's easier to go out of bounds. An example would be assertiveness. It's almost impossible for a guy to be too assertive, yet when a woman is equally assertive, she's often called a bitch. Her boundaries are narrower, so she needs a successful woman to show her how to maneuver within the boundaries of the playing field and not go out.
On the other hand, she also needs male mentors. There was a recent article in Harvard Business Review that said, "So why aren't women still getting promoted?" There are more and more mentors for women, but they're not getting promoted, and the reason was because they didn't have advocates. Men are more likely to advocate for you. They're in positions to advocate for you—particularly senior men—so you need to have someone who's going to be willing to speak up and say, "Hey, why don't we consider this woman? She's done this, she's done it for awhile, and I think she'd be great at it." Whereas a woman is a little more hesitant to recommend another woman, for fear of being accused of just pushing the woman's agenda. So you really need both.
Does it matter what a woman wears to work to get more respect from her co-workers and bosses?
What you need to understand is yes, you have to look your best, but you're not going on a date, you're not going to a club. Sex sells, but not in the long run. You really need to ask yourself, "Are my shirts too short? Is my hair too long?" Every woman loves to have this long flowing hair, yet what happens for women with long hair when they're talking to people, they're often touching it. You're pushing it out of your face, you're flipping it, things like that, and that diminishes your credibility. If you want to have long flowing hair, great; if your husband loves it, terrific—wear it up when you go to work. You want to wear a mini skirt to a club, fine; you don't wear it to work.
You look around at the women who are succeeding in your workplace and you say "Who has the job I want to have three or five years from now, and how is she dressing?" You can't be frumpy on the other hand, because that won't work. I've had people sent to me for coaching, where their bosses asked, "Can you get her to get rid of that sweater?" This is what guys say to me; I can't make this stuff up.
So absolutely you need to look your best, but you need to be smart about it. But if you have a hard time doing it, I'd say go to a place like Nordstrom or any big department store, and ask them to help you with putting together an appropriate workplace wardrobe. And make-up, by the way, is important too, because women wear too much or too little. You need to know exactly what looks right for you. You get a free makeover at Macy's—go get a makeover! It's free!
Is it possible for pregnant women to still get what they want in the workplace?
It can be very tough, but here's where the values come in. We know that once a woman becomes pregnant, she's marginalized to some degree. You have to say to yourself, "Where are my values?" If my values are around having a family—and that means for the next five years, I can't travel—well so be it, because it's consistent with my values. On the other hand, I know women that want to have children, but they also want to have a career. They don't want to give that up. I have seen women—I'm thinking of one in particular—who drive hard. When she became pregnant, even when she was in her ninth month, no one saw her as a pregnant woman because she brought her A-game to work every day, she didn't talk about her pregnancy, and if she was sick, we didn't know about it.
It's about integration these days; it's not about work-life balance, because there's no such thing if you want to climb the corporate ladder. There is no work-life balance for women; it's about integrating it. What are the necessities for me, and how am I going to work this?
Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with an editor in New York the other day, and I know that she has three kids, and I know her company has flex-time. I said, "Do you work flex time so you can be with your kids more?" She said, "No. If you ask for or take flex time, you're marginalized. Instead what I do is when I need extra time off, I just quietly take it." I think that's good advice because anything that sets you apart from your male counterpart—in terms of gender—is going to work to your disadvantage. Unfortunately, that's still where we are. It's unfortunate but it's true. I'm not saying you can't have a family if you want a career; you just have to decide what's most important to you, what your values are, and how you'll manage expectations around them.
Is this book exclusively for women, or are there messages in the book for men, too?
I certainly think that there are messages for men. I know when my brother reads my books, he always says, "You know Lois, I get a lot out of it, too. I could do some of these things." I think there are some—not all—messages that would apply to men.
There's a cultural aspect to it, as well, because the people who benefit most from these kinds of messages are typically Asian and Hispanic men. The reason I say that is because stereotypically, in those cultures, they are raised with more feminine characteristics and qualities. Many times, they need these same things. As a matter of fact, I was brought into GE to work with the Asian Pacific American Forum, which was men and women. They said, "The Asian men need to hear your message. Sometimes, they're too quiet, they don't speak up, they respect authority too much, they never disagree with the boss so they're never seen as adding value. So there's a cultural aspect to it, as well.
If there's just one message that you hope readers take away from your book, what would it be?
It would be, to get the things that you want in life, you need to take risks. You need to get outside your comfort zone and be willing to deal with other people's discomfort, because if you spend your life making other people comfortable, you may feel good, but you're not going to get what you really want.
