Do you like networking? Me neither. I often want to run screaming from cocktail parties. Yet I do like people; they are endlessly fascinating. And this, my friends, is how you can learn to love networking.

Here’s the key: The more you help people get what they want, the more they’ll help you. When you’re networking, you’re not just looking blindly for people who can give you stuff; you’re looking to create another kind of family-people you care about, people who will care about you.

“Palm up” networking

Have you ever noticed there’s a physicality to the “gimme?” There’s a way people look at you when they want something: eager, impatient, and expectant. Sometimes they are leaning forward, as if preparing to grab. They’re watching for their moment, and if they don’t get it, their disappointment is reflected all over their face. Ick. 

Relax and get to know the people you’re talking to. Ask them about their business, their ideal customer, and their goals. Ask what they do for fun, and find out what they care about. People have fascinating lives, businesses, challenges, and triumphs. Seek out these stories. See how fascinating they are.

When I was in my thirties I used to think, “I do so many favors for ___, but whenever I ask for help they don’t come through.” I’d feel bitter or resentful: I was a closed fist instead of an open hand. Now I realize that there are larger laws of the universe at work.

When people ask you for favors, do them if you can-if you have the resources, the time, and the ability. Know that you’ll get favors in return; just don’t stress out if they don’t come from the people you’ve helped. Trust that the universe has a perfect accounting system.

Build bonds faster… Now!

Here are my favorite ways to build fun and fulfilling relationships while you network: 

1. Equalize yourself with others. We all have one unit of self-worth-no more, no less. Just because people are powerful, rich, or famous doesn’t mean they are better than you. Practice equalizing yourself with others; remember we all were drooling babies, confused teenagers, and will all grow old and die. We are the same.

2. Build your networking momentum. Talk to people all the time, in line at the store, on an airplane. Talking to a man in line at Starbucks resulted in my starting a company, getting venture capital, and selling my shares a few years later to NewsCorp. I’ve met amazing mentors, started businesses, and made new friends simply by striking up a conversation. Not sure how to start? Offer a compliment. There’s always something attractive or admirable to notice about a stranger. Be sincere about it.

3. Daily appreciation. Appreciate at least one person daily. I often do this via e-mail, so I can be thorough. Often, to my delight, the recipients will tell me that they are saving the message for when they need a pick-me-up. You can also express appreciation over the phone or in person. Simply tell others how much you appreciate who they are, what they do-whatever about them moves you. They’ll feel great, and you’ll feel great; everyone wins.

4. Do the “Drive-By Schmooze.” Parties, conventions, and groups of all sorts are great opportunities, but sometimes you’ll be tired, not in the mood, or have too many events in one evening. This is when you’ll need to use the Drive-By Schmooze.Here’s how it works:

  • Put boundaries around your networking. Decide that in 30 minutes you’ll do a check-in to determine whether you need to stay any longer.
  • Let your intuition guide you. Stand somewhere out of the way. Stop your thoughts. Internally ask to be guided to the people you need to connect with. Then start walking. You’ll be amazed at who you meet.
  • Make connections. Approach a person, introduce yourself, ask what he or she does for a living, and then ask: How did you get started in your field? What’s your ideal customer? These questions will help you form a connection, and show you how to help.
  • Offer help and follow through. If you offer help, follow through!

Let’s lessen our dependence on technology for building relationships and get more connected to people. Then maybe we’ll look forward to cocktail parties.