Sean Parker, billionaire co-founder of Napster and former president of Facebook, experienced some fallout last month over the reported environmental repurcussions of his $10 million Tolkien-inspired wedding in a California redwood forest.

On Thursday, Parker took to the online publication Techcrunch to do some damage control against the bad press. More specifically, he published an almost-10,000 word self defense. It took approximately, oh, 10 seconds for the Internet to explode, thus worsening an already bad PR crisis. Critics took to Twitter to lampoon Parker and everything he did wrong in his attempt to set the record straight. Here are a few of the salient points.

For goodness sakes, keep it short.

too long

too long 2

too long 3

Don't curry pity (especially if you're a billionaire).

personal 3

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personal

Be conscious of your platform.

tech crunch

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Know when to shut your mouth.

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shut up