We all have them--people who make us wish, every time we see their filtered selfie in our Facebook newsfeed, that we'd had enough courage to hit the "ignore" button on their friend request.
Co-workers are especially difficult to ignore.
"Did you get my friend request?"
You can only pretend you haven't for so long. Inevitably, we end up with at least a few people we get enough of at work permeating our lives in ways only Facebook allows.
You can't unfriend them without the messy, awkward, "Hey, so... I saw you unfriended me, what was that all about?" lunchroom confrontation. You just have to live with it and rue the day you accepted a friend request from one of these co-workers:
1. The obscurantist sympathy digger
"Unbelievable what some people have to go through and how others treat them like garbage. SMH!"
You'll never have a clue what this person is talking about, but that's the point.
Don't bother responding in a comment. Please send a private message to elicit another five or six obscure, dramatic messages before they get to the point and tell you what's up. It'll take a while, though, as they have three or four others on the line eager to help them through whatever crisis they're in this time.
2. The every-minute-of-my-life chronicler
If this person put all of their tedious and mundane posts over the course of a day together, it would go a little something like this:
"I woke up early. I had a biscuit and two slices of bacon and an orange. I put on shoes. I take the bus to work! My desk is messy. My co-worker is so funny, look what she did. I'm having a salad for lunch. I have a report to write. I called my friend--she's so great. I walked home from work today and saw a tree. I like my gym. Look at my muscles! I cooked a chicken breast. I'm watching Game of Thrones. I read books. I'm tired! Goodnight, Facebook."
It's all there, everything they've done in the history of ever, illustrated in painstaking detail with over-filtered smartphone pics and twice-hourly updates.
3. The overzealous hipster
Flower beards. Skinny jeans. Ankle booties. Parliament cigarettes. Every craft beer known to man.
Hipsterdom is tough--it's a lot of work rebelling against blind consumerism and staying ahead of fashion houses that can't wait to steal your uber-original-OMG-what-will-they-do-next style.
Overzealous hipsters document everything. If they didn't record their every interest on Instagram and Facebook, how would you know just how far ahead of you they are?
4. The persistent inviter
What do you mean, you're not into bubble games, virtual farming, online puzzles with friends, or crowd-sourced murder mysteries?
You can politely decline and even block games, but your persistent co-worker will be on to a new one next week. And you're invited! You didn't respond to that last one, so let me try again...
5. The town crier
Today's celebrity death hoax is brought to you by the co-worker who has to be the first to spread the news of anything even remotely tragic or shocking in nature. Facts be damned!
This person loves exclamation marks and probably types in all caps once in a while. They're too busy breaking news to run anything through Snopes.
"OMG I can't even believe Spielberg murdered a triceratops, we have to protest this evil man. I mean, it's like he thinks he owns the dinosaurs and he MUST BE STOPPED!!"
6. The conspiracy theorist
You would never have known it, but that quiet person who sits in the corner of your office actually makes FOX News look balanced.
They seem so normal in real life, but their posts run the gamut of the paranormal and downright ludicrous, from Sasquatch sightings to Ancient Aliens episodes to One World Government (it's happening RIGHT NOW, you guys).
No topic is off-limits, and no claim too outlandish for your conspiracy theorist co-worker. You'll never unfriend this one, that's for sure. You don't have the nerve.
7. The perpetual victim
Life is an obstacle course littered with deathtraps, scary drivers, altercations that could have turned violent ANY SECOND (but never do) and vindictive strangers who are out to get them.
This co-worker is so brave for getting out of bed in the morning. Something earth shattering happens to them every day, without fail.
Have you invited any of these co-workers into your life? You're stuck now!