"If a partner retains more control than he can handle, problems manifest themselves in a dangerous way. Product liability might soar because no one has been paying attention to quality.
"A high level of trust is a positive dynamic, but it leads to problems when partners have developed such a standard of mutual support that they don't deal with each other strongly. Accommodating relationships feel good, so it's hard for people to say no to each other, but such relationships bring about dreadful inefficiencies.
"By keeping their doubts and grudges in check, partners think they're saving each other. But each remains troubled by the other, forcing colleagues to pick up the ball when one partner or the other isn't capable. Eventually, the problem surfaces at the bottom line. So actually, there's some benefit to being rancorous right out front -- the open discord is so evident to others that it forces the partners to get help sooner."
Peter Wylie, Mardy Grothe
In their own two-person partnership, psychologists Wylie and Grothe have spent the past 15 years counseling the principals both of family enterprises and of large corporations.
Peter Wylie and Mardy Grothe: "Many partnerships fail before they even begin because they go through the same 'snag' preliminaries a courtship does: before the union, the parties are on their best behavior. Once the partnership is achieved, the partners let their hair down and vent their held-back behavior. 'I don't have to play suitor anymore.'
"In some businesses, founders pass ownership to their children. But in doing that, they anoint the new owners with leadership -- they expect their kids to manage the business as well as own it. In most cases the kids aren't equipped to run an organization, and maybe they don't even want to; they accept it just to please Dad.
"We see a lot of partners who communicate only by memo -- actual stony silence! The partners assume the employees don't care, but the employees wonder, 'Is this place going to be here tomorrow? Did we do something to cause these problems?'
"Inevitably, there's conflict in any partnership. Fighting itself isn't bad, but inappropriate fighting is destructive. The biggest problem is holding in resentment.
"As counselors, we develop ways for one partner to draw another out and hear what he has to say without interrupting or telling him he's full of crap. 'If you want him to listen to you, you've got to listen to him.' Eventually, one partner learns how to consider what the other has to offer. Lo and behold, the second partner responds, 'Jeez, you really listened!' Then he shuts up for 20 minutes, which he's never done before, either.
"We get all the partners together to talk and listen to one another. This is no rope-climbing session on some island in Maine. Pain comes out, love comes out, deep resentment, embarrassment, guilt, angst -- it pours out because it's been waiting, sometimes for decades. Then each partner tells what he's going to work on. He makes a public commitment: 'I tend to be sarcastic, and I'm going to work on not hurling zingers at people.' If we don't schedule a follow-up in the next month, the partners aren't likely to live up to the pledges, which came out of a very intense experience. When they know that Wylie and Grothe are coming back, it keeps them honest."
THE SEVEN BEST WAYS TO PESTER YOUR PARTNER
1. Great minds think alike -- but it's your mind your partner should be thinking like. "A partner may feel, 'Not only do I wish you were more like me, you should be just like me -- after all, look at what I've accomplished.' " -- Mary Moore
2. Just because your partner tries to make a point doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it. Doodling and gazing out the window are effective diversions. "When one partner expresses a feeling or concern, the other needs to listen until that partner is done talking, and to summarize what the partner just said." -- Peter Wylie/Mardy Grothe
3. Why risk unpleasant encounters? If ignored long enough, conflicts settle themselves. "When partners lack the skills to confront issues in a manner by which they can get resolved, resentments fester and eventually blow up the partnership." -- Jack Rosenblum
4. Your partner sees your company as maturing and in need of broader talents. You see it as still your baby and in need only of you. "Roles change over time as a company succeeds. When partners are required to give up power, many can't bring themselves to." -- Mary Moore
5. Handing out positions to offspring is a prerogative of ownership, but must you put up with your partner's kid when yours is so much smarter? "Draft an understanding on nepotism from the outset, or it'll bring you down." -- Jack Rosenblum
6. The irksome shortcomings your partner exhibits can't have been inspired by you, insofar as you have no irksome shortcomings. "One per-son's not seeing that the other's allegedly deficient behavior may be in reaction to his own is a failure that applies in all important relationships. Often it's rival versus rival, acted out on a business stage." -- Peter Wylie/Mardy Grothe
7. Business is business. Admiration, respect, and loyalty your partner can get from a pet. "Partners are like plants: they need watering. A relationship withers without frequency of contact and positive expressions of appreciation." -- Jack Rosenblum
