When Dan was struggling, I'd pull him aside and say, "Hey, just don't push me away." Then half the time he would still do it.
Caulfield: Whenever we get on the phone, it's not like we don't start with specific business issues. Equity and ownership issues, for example. We start with those kinds of things, then start talking about my family life, his love life. After that we might go into different business ideas we've been having, things we're doing in our companies. Usually, we get off the phone with three or four different people to call.
It was very informal for a while -- sometimes two or three months would go by before we'd talk -- but every time we talk, we realize how valuable the time is. Once after it was spotty, it took six hours over three days to cover the stuff we wanted to talk about. Now we've formalized it so that we talk at least once a month, on the third Wednesday.
I know that sounds like kind of a formal way to set up a relationship with a friend, and the fact is that it is very formal. But it's mutually understood that the reason we do this is because of what we do for each other and how we augment each other's personal and professional lives. That's why we're friends, that's why we talk. And not only is there nothing wrong with that, there's a tremendous amount right with it. It's one of my most valued friendships both personally and professionally. When you're an entrepreneur, it's almost impossible to tell the difference.
Smart: Every time we talk, we go, "Man, for crying out loud, we need to do this more often."
The process is kind of an information dump from both sides. We talk about relationships we're both familiar with, without getting gossipy. Then we talk about business and brainstorm about business ideas and concepts.
First things first: you have to able to talk about what's so, about what happened as opposed to the story we all made up about what happened. A lot of people live in a way that involves constantly selling themselves and buying their own story. But you can't have the kind of relationship that Dan and I do unless both sides are committed to talking about what's so, rather than the drama. And you can't have topics that are off limits. If you can't tell the person he's fat, then it's like the pink elephant in the middle of the room. You can't say, "We can talk about everything except my marriage." Well, no. If there's something you don't want to talk about, that's probably the thing you need to talk about.
A lot of people don't get into relationships that are straight, like the one Dan and I try to have. These are life-changing relationships. But you don't get the benefit unless you take the risks.
Next thing: when the two of you distinguish something that's screwed up, the person facing it has to act. The relationship's not worth it if one side's not going to take action. Otherwise you're just playing footsie.
A lot of people never take the risk of establishing a relationship like this in their lives. They just hide out. Have 2.5 kids in the suburbs. Commute an hour to work. Wear their smiley work face.
Caulfield: Over time, the more adversity you face, the more you realize that failure's not a onetime event. So you start to put together a safety net for yourself. Maybe it's peers, YEO, family, good friends. To be honest, I stay away from less-meaningful relationships now. I don't enjoy casual friendships and everyday banter about the weather. This is about your balance, your well-being. It's really about taking yourself to the next level. This is about your happiness.
Jill Hecht Maxwell is a staff writer at Inc. Michael Hopkins is Inc's executive editor.
Not Just Anybody
When company building becomes personally challenging (and when is it not?) and CEOs need somebody for help or for guidance or just to be a sounding board, to whom do they turn? To find out, Inc conducted several utterly unscientific surveys among several constituencies, including readers of Inc.com and members of the Young Entrepreneurs' Organization. The results are not statistically predictive and are tilted toward peer groups -- because a peer group is what YEO happens to be -- but they're illuminating nonetheless. The obvious observation: to find the right personal mentor for you, look everywhere.
Question:
Whom do you turn to?
Answer:
Business partner: 23%
Peer group: 19%
Fellow CEO: 13%
Relative: 12%
Former classmate: 6%
Friend: 4%
Former boss/colleague: 4%
Spiritual adviser: 4%
God: 3%
Executive coach: 2%
Counselor/therapist: 2%
Neighbor: 2%
Board member: 2%
Customer: 2%
Lawyer: 1%
Chief financial officer: 1%
The Inc Life
Who Do You Call When No One Has the Answers?
The Uber Mentor
It's a Big World, After All
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