The Donald - Week 9

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With our resident Apprentice expert, Nadine, at the Inc. 500 Conference in Arizona this week, the task of providing this week's play-by-play falls to me, a lowly intern. So consider yourself warned and let's get down to business. In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I settled in with my green beer only to find that this week's episode was basically a highlight reel of the first eight weeks; a trip down memory lane of firings past. Perfect for the occasional Trump watcher like myself and a chance for die-hard fans to get in gear for the home stretch. To spice things up, Donald was even kind enough to include some never-before-seen scenes and audition tapes from some of the candidates.

First things first, my hat's off to Danny for producing the best audition tape by far; a full-out, Broadway-inspired song and dance routine complete with backup singers and expert choreography. Trump had no choice but to choose him for the show. Tommy Tune would be proud.

With that out of the way, here are the highlights as I saw them. Week 1 had Magna and Net Worth in charge of running a local Burger King. In the war of book-smarts vs. street-smarts, street-smarts prevailed as Magna's team leader, Todd, seemed to be too good for such menial tasks such as learning how to cook a burger. Kind of important if you are going to be running a Burger King. Hence, Todd suffered the ignominy of being the first person fired. But in his words, "I didn't come in last, I came in 18th." In other words, he came in last.

The task of renovating a beachfront hotel on the Jersey shore provided some funny moments, including Bren and Danny trekking through the backroads of Jersey in a rented U-Haul searching for furniture. Chris had the regrettable decision to rip out every toilet in the hotel and install new ones rather than simply replacing the seats. As one of his teammates so elegantly put it, "I'm sorry, but your ass doesn't know the difference between a $500 toilet and a $10 toilet seat." They said it, not me.

Just three weeks in and history was made when Verna's unexplained illness caused her to leave the show early, making her the only person to leave without being fired. At least she's famous for something. Hands down, Week 4 was definitely the highlight of the season thus far, when both teams failed horribly at producing a television commercial for a new Dove body wash. Watching Bren explain to Carolyn exactly what the two chefs in his commercial were doing to that cucumber was one of the most uncomfortable moments ever caught on TV. Needless to say, the borderline pornographic commerical was Kristen's brainchild, and she was immediately fired. According to her, however, "There's not really anything I'd go back and change." Really? Are you sure you wouldn't change that awful commercial? Kudos to Donny Deutsch for his no-holds-barred assessment of the two commercials: "Donald, I'm sorry, but they both sucked."

With entertainment like that, Weeks 5 through 8 seemed a little anticlimactic. The behind-the-scenes outtakes were interesting, especially the scenes where Bren explained how the stress of the show made him start smoking again after quitting five years ago. He gets my award for the Most Overdramatic Statement Ever Made when he said, "Now I know what it must have been like to be one of the soldiers storming the beaches of Normandy." Hmmmmm. It's good to see that he has this whole thing in perspective. On the same note, now I know how Abraham Lincoln must have felt when he wrote the Gettysburg Address.

So there you have it; the thoughts of a neophyte Apprentice watcher. I'm not one to advocate gambling, but take every penny you have ever made and bet it on Bren. He's my lock of the week. You heard it here first.

Last updated: Mar 18, 2005




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