What happened? Believe it or not; it's too long.
I'm old school converting to new school. Once upon a time (a couple of years ago), the rule of thumb in business was to have your so-called "elevator pitch". In other words, whatever you are selling, advocating, messaging about yourself or your business; be able to say it in the time it takes on the average elevator ride. If you aren't on an elevator, it was called the two minute pitch.
The elevator pitch today is a lifetime. The two minute pitch is eternity.
Here's a softball question; what killed it?
Even if you really are on an elevator with a potential client/new employer/venture capitalist, guess what? They are used to information shortened into short illiterate phrases - and they like it that way!
I will resist the temptation to moan about the downfall of civilization, the art of language, the courtesy of patientlly offering time to others; when the reality is that it is what it is. Sigh!
So how do you say what you need to say about your business or yourself in literally one line?
Start with the basics; noun, verb, object.
(i.e. We sell cloth.)
Now add a modifier to clarify what is special about you or your business.
(i.e. We sell cloth made from bamboo.)
Now add a short modifying phrase to clarify what is not only unique; but niche about your business.
(i.e. We sell cloth made from bamboo that is cheap, ample and green-friendly.)
Now edit the whole thing down by a third to one half and start with the most ear-catching words.
(i.e. We're totally green. Bamboo cloth. cheap & ample.)
Then exchange e-mail addresses.