Can I Ask Colleagues Why They Didn’t Hire My Daughter?

Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues–everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.

A reader asks:

My daughter applied for a job at the firm where I’m currently employed, in a department supervised by three very good friends of mine. I’ve known them all for over 20 years. I consider them great co-workers and friends. My neighbor also applied for the job. My neighbor has been out of work for over 11 years and lived off his parents. My daughter has a master’s degree, great connections, and is currently working. Neither of them has any experience in the field. My daughter has worked with several friends of mine and they all told me she was the best employee they ever had.

They interviewed my neighbor, who said the interview was general and easy, and they hired him within a week. They interviewed my daughter, who said the interview was pointed and, in one instance, one of my friends who interviewed her laughed at her when she said she could help him with a particular job he wanted accomplished. She has not had a call back.

Needless to say, I am angry. I have never involved myself in her employment at this organization or anywhere else. However, I’m baffled. I see these people every day, as we are in the same office, although we do not work in the same division. Is it unprofessional to ask them why they did not hire my hard-working daughter but hired a person who hasn’t worked in years and lives off his elderly mother?

Green responds:

You absolutely 100 percent cannot do that. It will come across as unprofessional and as inappropriate interference on behalf of your daughter, and it will harm any chances she has of being considered there again in the future (because no one wants to hire someone who might come with an interfering parent).

It’s possible that their decision was as unfair as you think it is. But it’s also possible–even likely–that there are good reasons for their decision that you aren’t privy to (and wouldn’t be privy to since you’re not part of their hiring process). For example, it’s possible that your daughter interviewed poorly, or that the neighbor had particular qualities that they think will help him excel in the role, or that–as talented as your daughter is–she doesn’t have skill X or quality Y that they’re looking for.

And really, which is more likely–that something like that explains their decision, or that your good friends of 20 years were jerks to your daughter?

If you’re not convinced: Since you consider these co-workers friends, think about what you know of them. Are they fair? Are they generally good people? Assuming yes, the best thing you can do is to figure there’s more to this than you know, and trust that they made their hiring decision for good reasons and with good intentions.

Keep in mind, too, that hiring is very specific to the job in question. It’s not about whether your daughter might be more generally capable than the neighbor; it’s about who is the better fit for this particular role, and that’s not always the same thing at all.

Want to submit a question of your own? Send it to alison@askamanager.org.