I Don’t Want to Help Horrible Networkers

Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues–everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.

A reader asks:

I’ve been in my industry for eight years now. From the outside, it looks like a very cool area to work in (and mostly it is) and it’s definitely more on the map as a career path than it was when I started.

Lots of grads are very interested in a job like mine, but entry-level roles are rare. I get lots of out-of-the-blue LinkedIn messages and emails asking for advice, and am always willing to grab a coffee with people to offer what I know about breaking in because it’s hard, particularly if you don’t already have connections. Over email most are polite, but in person some are just awful: entitled, rude, uninterested, no answers to why they like the industry or what they’re after.

I’m particularly struggling with what to do with one person. A friend connected us, I fit her in for a coffee, and she was rude and dismissive — like talking to a grumpy younger sister who didn’t want to be there. I left thinking, did I accidentally email her asking to chat instead of the other way around? She then sent an email following up four weeks later, which was just a request to further connect her with people wrapped in a pretty weak thank-you.

I’m not expecting bouquets of flowers or a poem about how awesome I am, and I don’t want to be a jerk because first jobs are tricky. It’s tough and I know there’s some etiquette to it that she just doesn’t get, but I also don’t want to waste my limited brownie points with friends in the industry by connecting them to surly grads I don’t rate. How do I reply “You were rude and I don’t want to help” without saying that? Do I offer feedback that might help in the future or is that likely to cause drama?

Green responds:

It’s up to you! You have a bunch of different options here, and any of them are fine:

1. You can send back a bland, vague reply saying something like, “It was good to meet you too and I’ll let you know if anyone comes to mind who might make sense for you to connect with” — and then just leave it there. This is the easy, not-getting-involved brush-off. You really don’t owe more than that to someone who was rude while you were doing them a favor.

2. You can ignore the email entirely. That sends its own message. It’s not something I’d normally recommend, but when someone is rude to you the first time you do them a favor, you don’t owe them a response when they ask for a second one.

3. You can say no, and explain why. Sample language: “I want to be up-front with you that based on our meeting last month, I wouldn’t feel comfortable connecting you with my contacts. I made the time as a favor to you and Jane, and I was surprised by how disengaged you seemed when we met. I realize you might not have been at your best for all sorts of reasons — we all have bad days — but I’m really careful about who I refer to my contacts. I’m not saying this to chastise you, but to explain why I can’t say yes to your request. In any case, I know it can be a tough field to break into and I wish you all the best.”

4. You can also mention to the friend who connected you that the experience wasn’t a good one. She would probably appreciate knowing what happened since she’s using her own capital by asking you (and maybe others) for this favor.

It might also be interesting to go back and look at whether there are early warning signs of rudeness that you should pay more attention to before investing time in meeting with people, or whether there’s more screening you can do before agreeing. For example, with the people who ended up being awful when you met, were there any signs of that in their emails beforehand — rudeness, entitlement to your time, etc.? And how much correspondence are you having before you agree to meet? If you’re saying yes to coffees before learning more about people, it might save you some time and aggravation to do more front-end screening. Often when you ask people to do just a little bit of work on their end (like “can you email me the sorts of questions that you’re most interested in talking about?”), some of them will disappear forever. The ones who come back with thoughtful questions that show they’re not expecting you to do all the work of drawing out of them what they want from this meeting are the ones it makes sense to meet with. And if you get an unpleasant vibe during this exchange, it’s okay to bow out, citing a busy schedule.

Want to submit a question of your own? Send it to alison@askamanager.org.