I've been on a mission, collecting science-based parenting advice both here in my column on Inc.com and in my continuously updated free e-book How to Raise Successful Kids, which you can download here.
Here's a short but detailed look at five of the most useful studies that I've found, and the habits they suggest for successful parents.
1. Be a role model (but not their only role model).
Let's give the plot twist up front: Kids need great role models, but one of the most important roles you can model is how you deal with failure.
Deal with it honestly, openly, and transparently. Let them see that you do sometimes try and come up short. Because, of course, they will fail at things themselves, and you want to teach them two things:
- Don't be afraid or ashamed of failure, especially if they've given it their all.
- Rebound from it the right way.
A few years ago, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology ran experiments with children as young as 15 months old. The more their parents let them see that they struggled and failed at times, the more resilient the kids became.
"There's some pressure on parents to make everything look easy," one of the study's leads said. "[T]his does at least suggest that it may not be a bad thing to show your children that you are working hard to achieve your goals."
Beyond that? Make sure they have great role models, both in their lives and in literature.
2. Teach them to love the outdoors.
This advice seems especially timely as we emerge from the pandemic. But kids need to be outside.
Studies show that kids who spent a lot less time outdoors during the early days of the coronavirus crisis experienced a strikingly negative effect on their emotional well-being.
This almost seems like common sense, but we see it come up again and again in both children and adults.
- A study found that children -- boys especially -- who spent time outdoors at recess during school had better gains in their reading ability over the next two years versus children whose schools didn't guarantee outdoor recess.
- Another study found that for adults, spending an average of 20 minutes a day outside and in nature led to better health and psychological well-being.
- And yet another study showed that even just 15 minutes per week outdoors, in an environment that prompted "awe" -- meaning "a positive emotion elicited when in the presence of vast things not immediately understood," led to better mental and emotional health.
These kinds of habits -- and a lifelong appreciation for nature (or not) -- can start young, and cost almost nothing.
Against this -- and I'm no Luddite, and I know we live in a digital world, but -- researchers have found that happiness and well-being among U.S. middle schoolers has declined steadily since 2012.
Hmmm, what happened in 2012? That's when American kids largely started to get their own smartphones, combined with unlimited data plans.
3. Teach them to prioritize kindness.
A couple of years ago, psychologist and business school professor Adam Grant and his wife, Allison Sweet Grant, wrote a book about kids and kindness. In an article they wrote for The Atlantic around the same time, they made an interesting point:
- More than 90 percent of U.S. parents say that "one of their top priorities is that their children be caring."
- But if you ask children what their parents' top priorities are for them, "81 percent say their parents value achievement and happiness over caring."
There's a disconnect. And it might stem from people not realizing one of the most fascinating paradoxes, which is that people who demonstrate kindness and caring for others are often more likely to achieve what they want as a result.
As the Grants put it:
Boys who are rated as helpful by their kindergarten teacher earn more money 30 years later. Middle-school students who help, cooperate, and share with their peers also excel--compared with unhelpful classmates, they get better grades and standardized-test scores.
The eighth graders with the greatest academic achievement, moreover, are not the ones who got the best marks five years earlier; they're the ones who were rated most helpful by their third-grade classmates and teachers.
And middle schoolers who believe their parents value being helpful, respectful, and kind over excelling academically, attending a good college, and having a successful career perform better in school and are less likely to break rules.
We see this in negotiations, too: Develop empathy with the people you're dealing with, care legitimately about what they want as well as what you want, and you're more likely to reach a desirable resolution.
4. Praise them the right way.
There are at least three facets of praising kids well that I've found in my surveys of the research.
The first is to praise kids for their effort, not their gifts. I've gotten a bit of pushback on this idea recently, which I'll address in a future column. But in short:
- Good: I'm very proud of you. I saw how hard you studied for that test.
- Not-so-good: I knew you'd do well on that test. You're so smart and naturally good at math.
The second is to praise them authentically. Kids aren't stupid (mostly). They know if you're blowing smoke when you praise them for things that don't really merit praise. But they also need reinforcement to know that you're proud and think they're doing the right things.
In one study of 300 kids, researchers found that:
When parents perceived that they over- or underpraised their children for schoolwork, children performed worse in school and experienced depression to a greater extent, as compared with children whose parents thought their praise accurately reflected reality.
Finally, however: Be generous with your praise in terms of quantity.
A three-year study out of Brigham Young University found that there's no magic amount of praise, but it's helpful to do so as often as possible. One trick might be to break down tasks and praise for each one specifically, as opposed to holding your positive reinforcement until the end of a task.
5. Be there for them, and then some.
This last bit of advice is perhaps the hardest because it flies in the face of one of the parenting clichés we all want to avoid: namely, becoming a helicopter parent.
That said, I'm going to combine studies here, and at least give you food for thought -- if not a complete guide.
The bottom line up front is to be there, be vocal, and be involved, while still letting your kids do for themselves as much as they can.
- Study No. 1: Researchers found that girls whose mothers "nagged the heck out of them" were less likely to become pregnant as teenagers, more likely to go to college, and less likely to have long periods of unemployment or get stuck in dead-end jobs.
- Study No. 2: A series of studies, actually, found that parents who were quick to run to their children's side when they faced big challenges or had setbacks -- at almost any age -- wound up raising kids who were more successful and had better relationships with their parents as they got older.
In short, you're your child's parent, and they need you to act like that: guiding them, pushing them, and showing that you'll always be there for them.
Do that much, and you're doing quite a lot.