When the baseball team in Cleveland changed its name from the Indians to the Guardians, the switch implied the team was owned by a school bus manufacturer. But the beauty of "Guardians" is that the branding bar had been lowered for other teams with offensive nicknames, including the one once known as the Washington Redskins. The Guardians paved the way for monikers that only an insurance company could love. And the newly recommissioned Washington Commanders have surely met that challenge.
You can imagine owner Dan Snyder's predicament. After adamantly defending the racist name and logo of his team for years--and then capitulating in view of the Black Lives Matter movement--he doesn't want to fumble again. Given the Redskins/WFT's dismal-to-indifferent results under his ownership, most Redskins-now-Commanders fans would probably prefer a new owner to a new name. There were so many other possibilities that, unlike Snyder, were inoffensive to women, Native Americans, and minorities. For instance:
The Washington Lobby
Who do you think occupies those luxury boxes and field level seats at FedEx Field: Federal Reserve economists? Crop analysts at USDA? It's the K Street mob that buys all of those $500 seats and $15 beers, charges their corporate clients for it, and then writes off most of it on their taxes. Let's give them their due.
Team cheer: "Offense, De-fense, In-fluence."
The Capitol Committees
A football team is organized this way, after all. There's the committee on offense, the committee on defense, and, below that, the linebacking, quarterbacking, and secondary subcommittees. And then don't forget the joint subcommittee on special teams. Or, subs.
Team cheer: "Go Commies!" Maybe not.
The Washington Filibusters
Could that name be any more current? Procedure is so important in the legislature as well as in football. In the NFL, there's a penalty for illegal procedure. Linemen must be set for a second. No forward motion on offense before the snap. You've got 40 seconds to run a play. If you delay the game, you're penalized. Except in Congress, where it's an art form.
Team cheer: a soccer-like call/response. "Fil-AH, BUS-ters."
The D.C. Regulators
For use during Democratic administrations. It's a football team, but also a corporation operating in a federally sanctioned sports oligopoly that employs a workforce through a collective bargaining agreement. These employees work in dangerous conditions and the NFL has been accused of suppressing evidence that playing football causes brain damage. Bring on the regulators.
Team cheer: F-C-C! N-L-R-B! O-SHA, O-SHA, Goooo Regs!
The D.C. Deregulators
For use during Republican administrations. It's a football team, but also a corporation hampered by restrictive union rules and a plethora of overwrought workplace regulations (helmets, for instance) that adversely impact the game. Employees know the dangers, and should act accordingly. There's a bonus in Regs/Deregs for the team, too. It gets to market two different sets of merchandise. Snyder wins regardless of who's in the White House.
Team cheer: "Push 'em back, push 'em back, way back!"
The Washington Bicamerals
Historic reference to that crucial decision by our Founding Fathers Persons to create a legislature with two chambers, so as to ensure that power isn't concentrated. And that nothing much gets done. The NFL also has two such divisions, the NFC and AFC. In the Trump administration, anything with "bi" in it wasn't likely to fly. But in Biden's Washington, libs will be rooting for them.
Team cheer: "By-Cams, fly-Cams."
The Washington Swampcats
Trump was the latest in the line of occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. who ran against the bureaucrats, and lost. Although not without trying to disembowel the EPA, destroy the USPS, and enrich himself through his conveniently located Washington hotel. The guy who was going to drain the Swamp turned out to be a swamp rat. Administrations come and go, but the bureaucrats hang around forever.
Team cheer: "Four more beers! Four more beers!"
The Potomac Pentagons
Awesome on defense, of course, but always hesitating over when to attack. Exquisitely equipped with the best weapons in the league, the Pentagons will overpay for everything the team procures. Ticket prices will have to start at $1 million a seat to cover cost overruns.
Team cheer: "Two-four-six-eight. Who-do-we- annihilate!"
The Washington Partisans
A perfect moniker for a city and team that represents a nation riven by political discord. All opposing teams will be subject to doxxing in addition to scouting.
Team cheer: Cry more, snowflake!
Ultimately, Washington, D.C., these days is about picking sides, not about playing like a team on behalf of the nation. The Former Redskins are the sporting epitome of D.C.'s group failure. If you want to play the game and make no progress, the Commanders are the football team for you.