Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
Meanwhile, the older ones blame the younger ones for being highly selfish and unintelligent.
The lovely thing is that so few members of each side appreciate how similar they are.
Instead, we get lovely listicles that show all the habits and industries that millennials are destroying, in favor of more -- what? -- modern pursuits.
I was moved, therefore, by a Business Insider list of all the industries that "psychologically-scarred" millennials had "killed."
It makes it sound as if a pack of rabid hounds had marauded through the world's neighborhoods, bearing a grudge against certain types of corporations.
Here are 7 of these industries that apparently lie in rubble after the millennial assault on their very existence.
The dark fact is that beer has been losing market share to wine and spirits. Is this a calamity? Or should we be overjoyed that America is beginning to catch up with international levels of sophistication? After all, beer is associated with having large gut. Wine is associated with a having a large cellar. When you think beer, you associate it with pairings of large, malodorous men propping up a bar and spouting incremental nonsense. When you think wine, you associate it with pairing the perfect bottle with a lovely meal, thereby creating an incremental pleasure.
It seems that millennials have tired of the large rocks that adorn so many brittle fingers as a representation of true love that may last five years. Oh, gaudy. How can society ever get over that? I confess to never having understood the attraction of diamonds. I confess that if they disappeared from the Earth altogether, I wouldn't miss a single one of them, save, perhaps, as an object of mockery. Bravo, millennials. This is a true expression of taste.
3. Bars Of Soap.
Seriously, this listicle actually mentioned that bars of soap are being shunned. Purportedly because people believe they're covered in new people's germs after every use. Could it be that millennials have embraced healthier way of living? Or could it be that as everyone is becoming a touch more prissy, we've all become germaphobes? Will we really miss bars of soap? Personally, I don't think this has anything to do with germs at all. Bars of soap are simply messier than those plastic bottles of coriander and grapefruit bodywash that adorn modern bathrooms.
4. Breastaurant Chains Such As Hooters.
Surely you've been to at least one. Just to see what it's like. Was the, um, food so good that you had to go back? Apparently, there are fewer Hooters around these days. Is this a surprise? Must we blame millennials for this? After all, with online porn offering instant pleasures without the mediocre burgers, you can enjoy your voyeuristic evening meal by pairing your ogling with a little Quinoa and Chèvre Salad. Would life's great whirl be somehow diminished if these breastaurants went away? I fear I'd miss them as much as I miss pimples.
Golf is in decline. It takes too long and costs too much. And it still has that snooty thing going on. I know of several important figures in the golf world who believe that courses should be 12 holes, not 18. They believe that the ancient rules and mores are mere relics in the face of disruptive change. Meanwhile, millennials are embracing cycling, rather than rolling around in a golf cart. This is a source of both pain and joy for me. I adore golf. It has brought me a level of sanity that my mind could never achieve alone. I've noticed that many courses seem to be emptier these days. Which, frankly, pleases me. I can get a quicker round in and not have to play behind the sorts who can't hit the ball, but don't realize they're supposed to let faster players play through. But what if I live to 90 and there's no one left to play with? What if all the courses I love now will have been turned into mini-Tour de France raceways? I shudder.
6. Department Stores.
When was the last time you went into one? And you're going to blame millennials for their decline? Who even goes to malls in order to shop? The only reason I can think of going to a mall is to get my iPhone fixed at the Apple store or to replace the red wine glass that some unfortunate guest smashed the night before, while telling the story of the man who took a chicken to church and failed to offer the sign of peace when called upon. Everything else I can get online. Just because the internet has destroyed a business, it doesn't mean that millennials have personally gone out of their way to wreck it. What do you mean, they're still taking the credit for it?
I ask you. Napkins. Have you noticed something different about the tables you dine at these days? Do you go to millennials' homes for dinner and sniff a little at the table décor? Well, apparently millennials heavily favor paper towels over napkins. I'm not sure if this means that if they cook you dinner, they place a neatly-folded paper towel next to your knife or fork. Perhaps it merely means that when they're on their own they use paper towels, rather than napkins. It could be, of course, that this doesn't mean anything at all. It may just mean that people are buying more paper towels and fewer napkins because they're eating at home a little less.
One ought to conclude, however, that when it comes to supposedly wrecking whole businesses, millennials haven't done a bad job of it.
Keep up the good work, younger people. I'll see you on the golf course when you get around to seeing the beauty of the game. Please, though, don't bring your lunch wrapped in a paper towel. On the other hand, please feel free to bring a decent bottle of wine.