Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 


What does America taste like?

A little bitter? An angry aftertaste? Or as invigorating as an insult from Donald Trump?

I only ask because reports have emerged that Budweiser is planning to do what--to some patriots, at least--might be unthinkable.

The brand announced that it's going to change its name to "America."

For the whole summer.

Not only will the cans and bottles have "America" where "Budweiser" used to be, but they will include references from the Pledge of Allegiance, the Star-Spangled Banner, and America the Beautiful.

It's no longer the King of Beers. It's E Pluribus Unum.

Eh? No one will stick to just unum. They're going to want more.

This is all part of a campaign called "America Is In Your Hands."

Could this be an allusion to the election and the perils that lie within it, if Americans vote for one mendacious politician over another?

Perish the concept.

"We are embarking on what should be the most patriotic summer that this generation has ever seen, with Copa America Centenario being held on U.S. soil for the first time, Team USA competing at the Rio 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games," said Ricardo Marques, vice president, Budweiser.

Apparently, Budweiser has always been "America in a bottle."

Please don't tell that to anyone who thinks of it as weak, watery and willfully dull.

I have worries.

Budweiser isn't exactly America's most popular beer. It's only the fourth-highest-selling beer brand.

What does that say about America?

And then there's the fact that Budweiser came in eighth place in a recent survey that looked at the brands Americans care least about.

We apparently like Budweiser even less than we like Sports Authority.

How does this look to the U.N.?

There's another detail that might spark at least one presidential candidate's outrage.

Budweiser isn't even American anymore.

It's owned by AB InBev. The real brains behind this company are Brazilian. The company's headquarters is in Belgium.

What kind of symbolism will some people see in that? It's enough with politicians telling us what China is allegedly doing to us.

Please imagine the rhetoric when the presidential debates are enacted in earnest.

Some might ask this question: Can't America sue for breach of trademark?

Our Department of Justice is good at suing.

Some will insist that the Supreme Court instantly meet in a Washington bar to do something about this.

Still, it makes for wonderful PR, doesn't it? Doesn't it remind you of Team America: World Police and its famous slogan: "America! F***, yeah!"

Now you must practice the following phrases:

"I'll have two Americas and a Manhattan, please."

"I'm just going to the store to pick up some Americas, honey."

"Officer, I've only had 16 Americas. I'm fine."

"And, of course, This America's for You."