Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.

I'm becoming obsessed with fast food. No, not eating it. Just thinking about it, watching it, and seeing what it's doing.

Fast food represents much of what is truly American: hurrying and eating too much. So just as some fast-food entities are launching ever fresher, healthier, um, dishes, so others are turning to the past in the hope of making fast food great again.

I announced, therefore, that Burger King is reaching into that past. It's bringing back Cheesy Tots.

Should you have somehow failed to insert one of these things into your epiglottis, please let me tell you that Cheesy Tots are "the perfect mix of warm potatoes and gooey cheese." Perhaps you know couples who resemble that description. I certain know many humans who would answer to the description of both "warm (sack of) potatoes" and "gooey (lump of) cheese."

But these Burger King tots have, apparently, been missed by humanity. "Fans have been craving the return of Cheesy Tots for some time now," Alex Macedo, Burger King's president of North America, told Adweek.

Have they? I confess I've never heard a single American ululating at the lack of Cheesy Tots in his or her life. But it must be true, as Burger King persuaded Jon Heder and Efren Ramirez of the cult movie Napoleon Dynamite to appear in an ad promoting these things.

Perhaps there are many fast-food cultists around our great nation who sit in various speedy eating establishments and wait for the day when their favorite dish will return. They plot. They scheme. They decide which corporate executive to pester. They're the alt-bite of food connoisseurs. They bide their time, but they never let go.

But has Burger King drifted into too much outré nostalgia here? How many people, you might muse, will remember Napoleon Dynamite? It came out 12 years ago.

It doesn't matter. Two weird dudes are sitting in a Burger King and doing weird things. It's the past meeting counterculture and actually getting along.

It's trying to offer a soothing balm for our time, as we're all struggling to find meaning in ourselves and in everything that surrounds us. Maybe nothing means anything. Maybe everything means nothing.

Maybe Cheesy Tots will simply get us through another few minutes of our life. What more can we hope for from fast food?

Published on: Nov 30, 2016
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