Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
How capable of thought are you, first thing in the morning?
Do you go through a routine, rather than try to do something, anything different?
Does your inner autopilot drive you toward your first coffee before you can achieve anything approaching true consciousness?
I'm a little like that.
I need at least the first few sips of a Starbucks Almond Milk Latte (sad, I know), before I can do anything resembling functioning.
I fear I'm not in the minority when I say I have the same sort of coffee every morning.
Which is why Burger King has come up with an intriguing option for those of a regularist disposition.
You see, it's just launched a coffee subscription service.
Called the BK Cafe Subscription, the idea is that you download the app and automatically grab the same coffee every day at Burger King.
It's the price that will move many. Just $5 a month. That's more or less what I pay for a single Grande Almond Milk Latte.
Indeed, in its press release, Burger King specifically targeted Starbucks:
For the price of a large cappuccino from Starbucks, you can have a BK Café brewed coffee every day for a month.
This seemed so counter to sensible belief that I had to delve into the small print.
It is, indeed, the case that you can get a coffee at Burger King every day -- any time of day -- for just the $5 a month.
That means that each coffee will cost you cents, rather than dollars.
But here's what that $5 a month gets you: a small cup of brewed coffee.
Can anyone survive on just one small cup of coffee? Anyone?
Of course, the real purpose of this underhand generosity is for you to slink up to the drive-thru, see all the pretty pictures of unhealthy food and be tempted.
After all, you're not yet sentient, are you? You're weak, coffee-less, vulnerable.
And those fast food places sell such tasty, bad-for-you items that you won't be able to resist.
I fear that many, many people will take up this sneaky offer and end up ordering some heinous breakfast sandwich.
They'll also order two small coffees and feel so very good that one was almost free.