Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

The excitement bordered on the riveting.

A vast burger chain was not only doing something different--it was also doing something McDonald's had simply failed to do.

Burger King was making a leap of faith and hoping to gain the worship of the younger crowd that all brands crave. (Myopically, of course.)

No, I'm not talking about the creation of the bizarre, creepy, and truly disturbing entity that is the brand's King icon.

Instead, I'm referring to the Impossible Whopper.

This brave leap into tomorrow, launched regionally on April 1, was clearly Burger King's attempt at finally removing itself from the daily grind of being just another large burger joint.

Now the brand would represent all the modern values that McDonald's was struggling to address. Or even, perhaps, comprehend.

Why, Ronald's old clan had just gotten its head around putting fresh beef into its Quarter Pounders.

Suddenly, here was Burger King launching what was a plant-based burger and often referred to as a vegan burger.

Or at least a vegetarian burger. (Many confuse the two.)

August 8 sees this fine Impossible creation rock the whole of Burger King's nation.

Yes, the nationwide rollout is at hand.

This will be like a Kiss concert, but without all the dreadful makeup.

Sadly, this has given the callous and caustic a chance to catch up on Burger King's fine print.

Squint and you'll see these words: 

Flame-grilled in the same broiler used for beef and chicken.

Ah. Oh.

Telling vegans this is like telling meat-eaters that their steak is made from tofu. 

This contact with the sinful meaty melange of leftover gristle and grease makes it not even vegetarian.

Naturally, America was all a-Twitter when this fine print was revealed.

Phooey, indeed.

Oh, Burger King never actually claimed this concoction was vegan or vegetarian, but when people get overexcited, what can you do?

And dare I even mention that this Impossible Whopper has pretty much the same unhealthy number of calories as your regular meat-adorned Whopper?

Worse, it actually has more carbs and sodium that the regular meat Whopper.

Please think of the additional pain for wavering vegans.

Say they actually persuade their local Burger King to find an alternative grilling area for their patty. The oven, perhaps.

They may still have to deal with the grotesque idea that their burger will be topped with mayo.

Which enjoys eggs as one of its ingredients.

Which rather ruins the hopeful veganness of the whole thing.

Please, I just want you to be happy. I want you to grow and glow.

I fear, though, that this Impossible Whopper movement may be just a fad. 

Yes, it's plant-based.

But, for those with strict dietary principles, this offers no more pure allure than a Hollywood movie that's based on a true story.

Published on: Aug 7, 2019
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.