Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

Please lie down here on my purple chaise-longue.

Here's a glass of fine Sauvignon Blanc for you.

Now, then. This is our Free Association session.

When I say Pizza, what's the first thing that comes into your head?

College?

Try again.

Cheap.

Yes, yes. I don't think you're trying very hard.

Chicago

I don't think the wine is working yet. One more try.

Delivery.

Oh, you're getting warmer, but only slightly.

The answer I was looking for was Babies.

Honestly, it's obvious when you think about it. Why it's taken a pizza maker to finally do something about it is quite beyond me.

But here is Domino's trying yet again to outwit its competition by opening its own baby registry.

In partnership with the elegantly named Gugu Guru, Domino's wants you take every step of your baby's life with a slice of pizza in your mouth.

Which, when I look at most parents, seems like a wise idea.

Why, there are special pizza packages for a gender reveal. You didn't know? Something cheesy, by the look of it.

There's another special offering for a baby shower. 

Oh, and you can imagine that Domino's has the perfect solution for when you're hangry and hormonal. 

A lot of calories might sum it up.

You're thinking this must be a joke, aren't you? I was thinking that too.

But then I remembered that Domino's already has a wedding registry. Because nothing says weddings like a pie in the face.

Let me tell you how perfectly Domino's matches its pizzas with weddings. There's a special pizza package for the Thank You Card-a-Thon. 

I present you some of Domino's crisp and succulent copy: "Hand cramping. Need. More. Pizza."

You've never thought of pizza-eating as exercise, have you?

Yet here is Domino's dominating once again and owning its rivals. (Who, I hope, are laughing at this marketing gone bonkers. Pizza Hut, please don't open a rival registry. It's beneath you.)

I should warn you that the new Domino's baby registry also offers merchandise. 

Surely, dear parent, you're craving a Slice, Slice Baby mug for $18. Or a large pizza emoji-adorned tumbler for $16. 

Marketing. You have to start them young, don't you?

Published on: Nov 28, 2017
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.