Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
At what point does a calamity become an apocalypse?
When is disaster so terrible that it enters cataclysmic territory?
I only ask because Dunkin' Donuts has reached for the unthinkable.
It's stopped selling, no, I can't say it. Oh, all right. It's stopped selling so many donuts.
Or should that be doughnuts? I'm rarely sure about spelling these days. Perhaps there's an emoji for it.
No, you won't walk into your local Dunkin' Donuts establishment and suddenly see shelves stuffed only with canapés and ciabatta.
You will, however, notice that many of the doughnut varieties are no more.
As the brand's president, David Hoffmann, told Nation's Restaurant News: "We've shrunk the amount of doughnut variety, and we're seeing a lift in those markets instantly."
When he says he's shrunk the variety, he's chopped it by almost half.
Yes, there are only 18 varieties left.
This is America. We're told choice and more choice and just more of everything represents freedom.
We should have seen this coming. Dunkin' Donuts is abbreviating everything.
Why, in some places, it's already changed its name to just Dunkin'.
But, in this hour when you feel so much is being taken away from you, I want to offer you hope.
Hoffmann revealed that Dunkin' is experimenting with some new, potentially not sickly sweet, flavors.
For example, it's testing maple with bacon bits.
"How do you do that and do it at half the price? That's where I think our sweet spot is," he explained.
Please feel the pain of the large corporation.
It looks at artisanal doughnut stores and sees that they might be innovative and popular.
Then it asks itself: "How can I do that stuff for cheap and get away with it?"
Just to whet (what's left of) your appetite, this month Dunkin' Donuts customers have something frightening to look forward to.
The chain is launching a so-called spider donut.
I don't believe this has actual spiders in it. I don't believe it even has a tarantula topping.
Instead, it apparently has a glazed yeast ring, orange frosting, and a munchkin on top.
It seems, though, that with all the doughnuts disappearing, Hoffmann sees Dunkin' Donuts as, well, not exactly a doughnut brand.
The changes, he said, are "about creating room for growth to position yourself as a beverage-led, on-the-go brand."
In other news, Dunkin' Donuts is launching its first beer.
I'm not sure how this will pair with a spider donut. I'm not sure I want to find out.