Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
It's supposed to be the home of online networking.
Or, well, self-aggrandizement.
I can't help thinking, though, that it's as much of an annoyance as a boon.
Here, then, are my five favorite things that I wish would just stop on LinkedIn from this very moment.
1. No, I Don't Want To Wish People I Don't Know Happy Birthday.
LinkedIn constantly bugs you to expand your network. Inevitably, you end up being connected to a vast array of people you don't actually know. And then you're supposed to wish them a happy birthday? What is this? TGI Friday's?
2. No, I Don't Want To Congratulate Everyone Who's Just Got A New Job Or Simply Updated Their Profile To Sound Better.
If I did everything LinkedIn encouraged me to do, I'd be on LinkedIn half the day. Which, of course, is what the site's bosses would adore. Again, though, the majority of most people's networks are personally unknown to them. Worse, I get notifications from LinkedIn such as "Congratulate Montgomery Snodgrass on 7 years at Looking for a New Position." I'm supposed to congratulate them for this?
3. Please Stop Recommending I Connect With Connections of People I Don't Know.
You know, sometimes I connect with people I don't know because they send requests and, when I look at their profiles, they seem like interesting people. Or merely nice people. But, dear LinkedIn, have you noticed that I've not tried to connect with anyone? As in ever? Your machines should realize this is a clue. But, I suppose, that's what happens when you let machines make decisions.
4. I'm So Tired Of the 'Could You Use a Steady Stream of Warm Leads?' Message.
Sometimes I wonder who it is that's really contacting me. I also wonder whether they read the messages they send or even the taglines to their own profiles. Is it a real person? Is it a real person who really does what they claim? Or is it someone (or some machine) who has a very peculiar turn of phrase? I'm sorry, but who doesn't see a troubling connotation in the steady stream message? Or have I been reading too much about politics lately?
5. And Then There's All The SEO Experts.
I never realized there were so many. Each one possesses some exclusive secret that none of the others has even broached. Each one can multiply my profits in ways that even Harvard Business School could never conceive. And each one succeeds in using words that bring just a little more suffering to my day by sending me a fascinating, unsolicited message.