Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
It's a unique opportunity, as your overly-dressed realtor might say.
You're going to have lunch with Warren Buffett.
You've earned this lunch. Or, rather, as one anonymous man has done, you've bid $3,456,789 for it.
I'm suspicious about that number.
The mystery bidder offered his money at the GLIDE Foundation auction in San Francisco, where eBay was the host.
Please look at that bid. A clever attempt at wit through numbers. Numbers in ascending order. This tells you everything you need to know: the bidder is a techy.
Techies have no clue how to have lunch. They're used to having it cooked for them at work.
My first advice therefore, dear tech mogul, is don't invite Buffett to your office.
You think it's a good look. It isn't. The man wears a suit, for goodness sake. He doesn't want lunch with a bunch of T-shirts.
The GLIDE Foundation thought it had already taken care of this. It said that this lunch will be at Smith and Wollensky.
This doesn't apply if the bidder remains anonymous, which the bidder has.
Oh, it's not Peter Thiel, is it?
The man who anonymously strove to bankrupt Gawker is said not to be a fan of enormously satisfying food. At least that's what Vanity Fair tells me.
So your first act of wisdom, mystery (probably) tech bidder is to offer Buffett good food, but not stupidly fancy food.
He's the Oracle of Omaha, not the Big Kahuna of Oracle.
Unlike many restaurants in the city, these actually serve food that has taste.
Now the rules of your win say you can bring seven friends. Be very careful about whom you bring.
Don't bring the friend who only talks about himself. That excludes at least half of all Silicon Valley CEOs. And, please please don't bring the friend who's on his phone all the time.
I fancy Buffett won't take kindly to that.
He'll look kindly. I think there's more to him than that, though. Oh, and by the way, they say he still uses a flip phone.
The next thing to think about is what you want to get out of this lunch.
Is it just the fulfillment of a life's ambition?
Or is it a need to sit at the feet of the Oracle and listen to him tell you about the world's true innards? If it's this, bring seven people who don't like to talk at all.
Listening is an art. Much more so than talking. At least if your friends are quiet, it will give you the chance to listen.
But wait. Are you having this lunch because, despite bidding $3,456,789, you're actually short of money?
You borrowed this $3,456,789, didn't you?
In this last case, clearly the aim of your lunch is to get him to tell you how to make $3,456,790 or more very quickly.
I mean, you're a serious businessperson, aren't you? You have to make money out of this lunch.
The problem with this, though, is that Buffett can see it coming.
Which means this lunch isn't going to be so easy for you.
Perhaps the best way to get what you want is to get him to warm to you.
That won't be simple, either. After all, you've just spent $3,456,789 to have lunch with him. What kind of awful investment is that?
My suggestion, then, is that you try to make him laugh.
I'd start by asking him why he's friends with A-Rod and see how that goes down.