Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
Some brands fall into habits.
They don't always know if they're good habits.
Equally, they don't always know how to emerge from those habits, even when customers or employees tell them it's time.
Starbucks, for example, has its rituals.
It has special cups at Christmas. It has periods when baristas try to get you to buy bags of coffee, so that they can make their quotas.
And then there's summer, when Starbucks likes to release a painfully colorful Frappuccino concoction, so that teenagers can look at each other, slurp, and say "Cool!" a lot.
What joy, then, that Starbucks appears to be launching a new Frappuccino, one that so many have been waiting for.
Especially if they're Grateful Dead fans.
Welcome, apparently, to the Tie-Dye Frappuccino.
It's made from gobs of sugar and the sweat from old San Francisco T-shirts.
I'm sorry, that was just my imagination, running away with me.
Instead, as Business Insider reports, this thing is still shrouded in slivers of mystery, as the chain apparently won't unveil this fine idea until July 10.
Still, internal promotional materials have already emerged.
It looks absurdly exciting. Like a massage from an alpaca. In a forest. On pine needles.
I can tell you, though, who's (even) less excited about it: baristas.
You see, whenever these highly inventive cocktails emerge, baristas immediately wonder:
Oh, hell. How long is this going to take to make? And how messy will it be? Probably very messy.
Indeed, waft along the Starbucks Tie-Dye Twitter feed and you'll already see traces of bemoaning baristas fearing for their sanity.
Tie-dye frappuccino coming out. Praying for us starbucks baristas.
#Starbucks released a letter to baristas promising us a reprieve from messy, labor intensive, gimmicky beverages. enter stage left: Tie-Dye Frappuccino.
This was a bizarre pink-and-blue tincture that drove baristas demented because, well, here were the words of one barista:
My hands are completely sticky. I have unicorn crap all in my hair, on my nose. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life.
Seriously. In his entire life.
Intended to echo the viral success of the Unicorn Frappuccino, leaked internal Starbucks documents show an Instagram worthy Tie-Dye Frappuccino is set to launch for a limited time on July 10. Reportedly, Starbucks baristas are already jumping out of windows. pic.twitter.com/GdqfQMfezm-- Mike Sington (@MikeSington) June 8, 2019
I worry, then, that the Tie-Dye Frappuccino may be painfully popular with teeny types and horrifically painful for teeny baristas.
Honestly, Starbucks, is it worth it?
Of course it is. You're desperate for your share of the valuable Instagram audience.
Where would you be without that?