Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
We're coming to that time of year when we have to be at our most hopeful.
We must wish goodwill to all men and women. And Harambes.
We must buy gifts, erect trees and hark the herald as the angels sing.
Inside, though, we're a bag of nerves.
There's an election that will lead us only into one form of despair or another.
There's an economy that benefits a few enormously and spits on many more.
How bad is it? Even the NFL is struggling.
You, though, need mantras. You need sets of words, emissions of thought that can bring order to the madness, hope to your ululations of frustration.
Welcome. Please lie here on my purple chaise-longue and have a sip of this fine white blend from Alentejo, Portugal.
I've just happened upon a new set of greetings cards. They're no ordinary greetings cards.
They come from modern philosopher Alain De Botton's School of Life, which seeks to assist you achieve emotional intelligence.
So each has a Yoda-level message for you to ingest and internalize.
They will, I feel sure, bring you calm in these troubled waters. Or, at least, build a bridge over them in order to bring you to a brighter dawn.
1. "All Great Choices Come Down To What Variety Of Suffering We'd Prefer."
There's too much choice in the world for too many. I blame the internet. And America, of course. When the two met, they proliferated so much that the whole world now has an indigestion of choice. Use this handy philosophy to make your decision wisely. Imagine the levels of pain and you will know which way to go.
2. "We Reserve A Special Place In Our Hearts For Those Who Can't See The Point Of Us."
The truth, of course, is that no one has a point. Even though everyone thinks they do. But this will help you release yourself from the constant need to please others and to wonder what others think of you. It doesn't matter. They can't see it. They never will. Release. And breathe.
3. "The Only People We Can Think Of As Normal Are Those We Don't Yet Know Very Well."
Too often, we're supposed to believe there are norms. How dare Megyn Kelly wear a little strappy dress on live TV? But norms are mere buffers against the inner insanity that ultimately drives us all. Accept it. Unburden yourself from norms that are set by others. Stretch. Everyone is normal, because no one is.
4. "To Think Well Of Oneself: A Privilege Reserved For Those Who Have Not Begun To Understand Themselves."
Take that, you self-enhancement followers. Swallow that, you selfie-regarding, I-am-greatists. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all? No, it isn't. Learning to accept yourself is the greatest love of all. Arch your back and accept. Arch your back and accept.
5. "Progress Through Life Is A Constant Process Of Replacing One Anxiety With Another."
Stop worrying about worrying. Look at Donald Trump. He has everything (Source: Donald Trump). It's clear, though, that he worries about every single thing that's said, written or even thought about him. He hasn't even begun to master this marvelous rule. There will always be anxieties. It's how you respond to them that matters. It's how much you let them eat at your innards that matters.
Its been five minutes. At the count of seventeen, I will take the glass of fine Alentejo wine from your hand.
You will get up from the purple chaise-longue and you will go forth with a renewed spirit. You will even know exactly what greetings cards to send this holiday season.