Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 


You think you know your dad.

You've known him for a long time, after all.

You've witnessed his moods and tolerated his foibles.

And you really think you know what makes him happy.

Tread carefully, I say. You might think you already know what to get him for Father's Day, June 19. But I'd like you to pause, consider and beware these particular things.

I've scoured the lists of supposedly excellent Father's Day gifts and suffered companies pestering me to buy certain things. Here's a list of things you should resist.

1. A Massage.

I've been pestered by emails from (legitimate) massage places over the last couple of weeks. Surely, they say, your dad's earned a massage for Father's Day. He may have earned it. I'm not sure he wants his kid to buy him one, however. Massages still bring with them connotations. You're intimating something about your dad's intimations. Don't go there. He has feelings, you know. He has a private life, too.

2. Underwear.

You might not think that kids would buy dad knickers. But they do. They're even encouraged to do this. I know, because MeUndies are on AskMen's list of Top 25 Father's Day Gifts. Dads and undies just don't go. I mean, they do go of course. But buying undies for your dad is like buying you mom a bra. It's personal, yes. Not in quite the right way, I fear.

3. Anything To Do With Golf.

You know your dad loves golf. Equally, you know how much you don't love golf. Still, you believe that those who love golf love everything about golf. They don't. So please beware. For example, this Golf Mug With A Hole You Can Putt Into on Real Simple's list sounds like a lovely idea. But it's silly. Deep inside what's left of his heart, your dad might take golf very seriously. If you really insist on getting him something golfy, get him a lunch with Tiger Woods. You can't go wrong with that one.

4. UGG Slippers.

Where does one begin? Cosmopolitan magazine insists that a great idea is to buy your dad UGG slippers with furry insides. Please, no one looks good in UGGs. Not even when you're wearing Daisy Dukes. Not even when you're wearing Daisy Dukes in LA. When you buy your dad slippers, it suggests he's wafting toward his dotage. When you buy him UGG slippers, you're asking him to do it tastelessly.

5. The Best Dad Ever Mug.

You've seen them everywhere, so you assume they must be a good idea. Please consider other things you've seen everywhere: Starbucks, Toyota Priuses, Donald Trump. Ubiquity doesn't signify glorious goodness. But the thing with the Best Dad Ever mug is that dad knows it's likely not true and very likely very cheap. You care about him more than that, don't you?

So now you'll be wondering what to buy him. I'm not going to tell you. You know him best, right?