Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

Tech companies are no longer the next big thing.

They're now focused on being the only big thing.

Which means they need more bodies to augment their bigness.

So they turn to enticing job candidates with mellifluous words. 

And what words.

A study performed by Textio, a company that claims "the art of writing is also science" -- Lordy, I hope not -- looked at the words that predominated in the job ads of various celebrated tech companies.

Reported by the Daily Mail, the study, which examined 25,000 job listings over the last year, offered some delicious results. 

At Google for example, the top three phrases in job listings were first-rate, prove that and tackle.

And there you were assuming it would be feelingless, robotic and always right.

Apple offered something of a contrast.

Its top 3 were comfortably, maintaining control and empathetic.

Which seems quite magical, given that the company comfortably maintains control over its ecosystem while sprinkling empathy upon it to make you feel good.

At Salesforce, on the other hand, the three top phrases were work hard play hard, hungry for and building alliances.

Which makes it sound like a place where people don't eat enough, have drunken parties and play politics all day.

Wait, is that true?

Amazon also seemed to reveal something of its inner soul.

It's three leading phrases were wickedly, fast-paced environment and maniacal.

Wicked maniacs going at breakneck speed? That's what the New York Times once suggested. And somewhere, Donald Trump mulls immediate action against these lunatics.

I confess that my greatest chuckle, though, came when I read Facebook's three leading phrases.

I was imagining world domination, total control and the only place you can learn everything about everybody would win handsomely.

Instead, the results were our family, ruthlessly and storytelling.

Yes, darling. Our family went up to Congress a couple of weeks ago to ruthlessly do some storytelling. I think we got away with it.

Of course, it's hard to write job ads.

Companies know they're trying to sound interesting. Candidates know that these companies are trying to sound interesting, but the job on offer might not be. 

In the end, it's meeting the people that matters. 

But if the interviewer starts telling you that he's going to ruthlessly tell you a story about his family, listen politely. 

Then get up and walk out.

Published on: Apr 21, 2018