Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
It's come to this.
Not content with preventing people from driving their own cars or creating their own emojis, the march of time has taken one more step into the dark beyond. I'm not even sure how to say it.
Alright, if you read the headline, you'll already have a clue. Here goes.
McDonald's has decided to mess with the Big Mac recipe. This is like some bearded, e-cigarette smoking chef making French Fries out of quinoa.
This is like the Dallas Cowboys moving to Toronto. This is like Americans having to drive on the left.
Once you begin breathing again, you'll be wondering what McDonald's is doing to one of the great pillars of American society. I'll give you a clue. The new Big Mac is called the Sriracha Big Mac. Yes, it's a Big Mac made with a so-called Sriracha Mac sauce.
McDonald's describes it as "a fresh take on a classic American sandwich, infusing the great taste of our iconic cheeseburgers with the heat and zing that consumers have grown to love from Sriracha."
Do you need heat and zing from your Big Mac? Or are you merely happy when it oozes excess all down your chin and makes you proud to be an American?
The Big Mac first struck our shores in 1967. McDonald's has never messed with it like this. The Big Mac has always been there to make a mess all over you.
It's always been there as something upon which you could rely, when everyone you believe in has deserted you. Suddenly, you're heading for a Big Mac attack.
I should mention that this is just an experiment that's taking place in 126 restaurants in central Ohio. Your standard Big Mac will still be available. These, though, are slippery slopes. If they start squirting Sriracha into our Big Macs, what next? Foie gras in our Whoppers?
McDonald's management describe the Sriracha Big Mac as an "on-trend flavor." But McDonald's was never about trends. It was about golden arches, scary clowns, and strange people in the restrooms. It was about personal iniquity and glorious ubiquity. It was the proudest, guiltiest pleasure in the world.
It was, most of all, about a Mac that was bigger than anyone else's.
Our president-elect is a big supporter of fast food. Will he now step in to decry this foreign influence? Will he ask questions about whether the Sriracha is made in the USA?
I fear an outcry. Actually, I quite look forward to one.