Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
How do you define progress?
Does the internet represent it? Does the iPhone? Does Starbucks?
I have the chain on my mind because of a new coffee trend that is sweeping exalted minds. The minds with beards and beads, that is.
(I pause for your rapt focus.)
They've started serving lattes inside avocados.
Yes, the take the nice parts out of the avocados first. Then they pour the latte in and even paint the pretty pattern over the top, as is de rigueur in self-conscious culture.
BuzzFeed even tells me that there's a name for this new creation. It's the Avolatte.
Of course it is.
The marketing slogan writes itself. 'Ave a latte? No, Avolatte!"
(I pause for you and your inner pain to make contact with each other.)
It appears that this trend may have emerged in Australia, where they have little else to do all day but enjoy their good fortune to not be Northern Florida.
I, though, will wager you that someone at Starbucks is thinking about doing this right now.
Please consider the joys.
Starbucks is already trying to concoct something new every day in order to entertain the excitement-addled.
Why, if it's already sunk to the level of the Unicorn Frappuccino, why wouldn't it sink a little further and launch the Starbucks Avolatte?
Let me help you count the glories. Imagine your name being written in fluorescent pen on the skin of an avocado. Instagram would buckle under the weight of feverish, self-interested postings.
I contacted Starbucks to ask whether it will be leaping onto the Avolatte train that's steaming through young imaginations. I will update, should the company decide that, yes, it can get hold of a lot of empty avocados at a bargain price. And look, you don't need a lid.
Starbucks is already desperate to attract millennials and get them to pay $10 for a designer coffee.
So just imagine if it slapped a little Illuminati logo on the avocado skin. Green is the corporate color, after all.
Just imagine, too, how much more righteous the young will feel. Last week, a bumptious Australian millionaire insisted that the way for young people to buy a house is to stop eating avocado toast.
Starbucks could provide millennials with extra Portland-cred, while simultaneously allowing them to become property owners.
A winner for our times, I have no doubt.