Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
I owned a sports car once.
I was in my 20s and the ad agency I worked for positively insisted it should give me a car.
Not being much of a car person, I ended being given a Renault Alpine GTA-V6.
Gorgeous, it was. Speedy, too.
The only slight problem was that the electrics didn't work. Sample: driving down a rainy London freeway, the wipers stopped working.
Then there was the time I turned on the ignition, the electrics blew, the electric doors locked up and I didn't know how to get out.
Worse, Renault didn't appear to have a mechanic who could fix it.
So I gave it back.
Which, according to a new study, was very silly of me.
You see, it's not the case that, for example, men drive sports cars in order to compensate for, you know, you've heard the stories.
Instead, this study claims your Corvette or your Mustang are "among the best ways to boost your sense of wellbeing and emotional fulfillment."
Gosh, who'd ever imagine that a Mustang could beat mindfulness?
These researchers, with the help of, oh look, Ford, hooked up people in special fast cars and measured their so-called buzz moments.
These are supposed to be good for your overall wellbeing.
Would you believe that driving a sports car contributes more to your wellbeing than watching a tense Game of Thrones episode?
I would. The show is banal bilge from beginning to end.
However, these researchers insisted that driving a sports car offered more wellbeing points than cheering on your favorite football team or taking an intense salsa dancing class.
Or, apparently, enjoying a passionate kiss with a loved one.
Now there's a way to insult your loved one's amorous prowess. And how.
Just listen to these researchers' conclusions: "Study participants who sat behind the wheel of a Ford Focus RS, Focus ST or Mustang experienced an average of 2.1 high-intensity buzz moments during a typical commute. This compared with an average of 3 buzz moments while riding on a roller coaster, 1.7 while on a shopping trip, 1.5 each while watching a Game of Thrones episode or a football match, and none at all while salsa dancing, fine dining or sharing a passionate kiss."
Kissing offered these people zero buzz?
These were surely some of the most shriveled human beings ever to walk the planet.
No wonder they need a sports car.
What were these people? Google engineers?
Then there were these highly troubling words from Dr. Harry Witchel, who led the research: "This study shows how driving a performance car does much more than get you from A to B -- it could be a valuable part of your daily wellbeing routine."
There you have it.
A part of your daily wellbeing routine.
A very expensive part of your daily wellbeing routine that might completely ruin your wellbeing by breaking down all the time.
Can you tell I'm not impressed?