Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
Ours is an era in which fake and real have become largely interchangeable.
For example, Real Madrid often looks like Fake Madrid to me.
(Disclosure: I'm a passionate fan of Real Betis. It's soccer, should you have somehow missed Seville's greatest glory.)
May I therefore, offer you real news about something fake and you can decide whether it's fake news about something real.
You see, White Castle, a fast-food chain known for starring in a movie and feeding a lot of incoherent young people, has decided to elevate itself into the future.
The company announced today that it will be the first fast-food burger chain to offer the Impossible Burger.
Should you have been unaccountably locked inside a Wendy's for the last couple of years, you may not know that this is a concoction of Impossible Foods, a company that claims to create foods we love in healthier versions.
With no (apparent) compromises.
Naturally, Impossible Foods is headquartered in the Bay Area, home of so many impossible people.
From today, White Castle is specifically offering Impossible Sliders. Little burgers that could.
This slider is plant-based, just as you suspect with many a Congressperson.
In this particular case, its essential ingredients are water, wheat protein, potato protein and coconut oil.
It's topped with smoked cheddar cheese, pickles, onions (all real, as far as I can tell) and appears in a dough creation that Impossible describes as a "signature bun."
Each two-ounce joy costs $1.99.
Well, you'd expect something so revolutionary to cost a dollar an ounce, wouldn't you?
It compares very favorably with the price of, say, caviar.
White Castle claims to be "the progenitor of American fast-food." It's therefore a small step to offer a pro-genetically modified burger.
And many will surely rejoice at the opportunity to taste the future.
Though I once met several Impossible Foods executives at a party, I have yet to try one of these burgers.
Perhaps you might suffer from the same reticence as me when I tell you that it oozes, well, fake blood.
No, not the sort of fake blood you see smearing the face of bad people at the end of movies.
Instead, as Ars Technica explained recently, it's garlanded with leghemoglobin. And this contributes to bleeding juice emerging as you bite down, Hannibal Lecter-like, and satiate yourself.
The prospect of a bleeding veggie burger smacks of trying too hard.
Indeed, it seems to have worried one or two people at the Food and Drug Administration.
The company retorted that the additive had been tested on rats and was safe -- something Impossible apparently doesn't have to prove to the FDA by law.
Here's how it's described by the burger chain: "The company engineers and ferments yeast to produce a heme protein naturally found in plants, called soy leghemoglobin. The heme in the Impossible Burger is identical to the essential heme humans have been consuming for hundreds of thousands of years in meat -- and while it delivers all the craveable depth of beef, it uses far fewer resources."
Do you consider yourself a person of craveable depth?
You must, therefore, decide whether the Impossible Slider should slither into your deeper list of preferences.
Should you cross the moat and enter the Castle to try it, please let me know what it's like.