Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
United Airlines is doing alright, thank you very much.
Even if it says so itself.
The airline just released some figures for July, and, at a cursory glance, they're glowing.
I'll give it to you first in airline business PR speak:
Consolidated traffic (revenue passenger miles) increased 6.9 percent and consolidated capacity (available seat miles) increased 4.0 percent versus July 2017. UAL's July 2018 consolidated load factor increased 2.4 points compared to July 2017.
Won't you look at that?
This means the airline's packing them in and making lots of money.
Dig a little deeper and you'll find that domestic traffic rose by 9.1 percent in July. Compared to last July, that is.
And Lordy, the airline is doing wonderfully in the regions. There, traffic is up a pulsating 17.6 percent.
United's also packing them in on each flight.
The so-called load factor (number of people who are actually paying) at home soared to 90.5 percent. That's a 2.6 percent increase.
United was loaded internationally, too. A 2.2 percent increase to 87.8 percent.
People are paying to fly United and there are more flights to more places, which makes the United world a wonderful place.
Alright, if you read the headline at all -- and if you didn't, what are you doing here? -- there's a little bad news.
You see, when you pack more people onto your planes, it might take a little longer.
That's what appears to be happening. All this success in selling tickets appears to be leading to a reduction in on-time departures, the beautifully named D0.
A mere 62.3 percent of mainline flights -- that is, the non-regional variety -- departed on time or even slightly early.
This is a 1 percent drop from this time last year.
This isn't, of course, merely an inconvenience for passengers. When a plane departs late, cabin crew must explain themselves to their bosses.
Well, you see, it was like this. There were so many darned people. And have you seen all that stuff they bring on planes?