Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
One of the many wonderful things about boarding a plane is that you learn so much about humanity.
Behold the sudden shuffling, as some self-important passenger tries to get as close to the gate entrance as possible.
Because, you know, they want to get on first.
Behold the extreme joy as they are, indeed, the first to present their boarding passes, only to be sternly told that they're in Group 4.
Airlines are regularly driven to several oodles of ouzo as they contemplate the boarding process.
Most gates have little space. Most humans don't listen and, even when they do, they don't trust what they hear.
United Airlines, though, hasn't given up.
It's been trying a new boarding process that's very different from its old boarding process.
Well, its most recent boarding process.
It's changing the current five-group system into a simple -- ah, the hope -- two-group affair.
I wrote about this in February and now, just for the summer, the airline is extending it to other airports, so that more passengers can enjoy it.
It was first tried at LAX, Houston and Chicago's O'Hare.
The idea is to get passengers to stay seated until their group is called. Under the current system, many people flock to their chosen group's line and clog up the whole boarding area.
Oh, you do that, too?
I asked United whether it had seen any improvements in human behavior over the trial period and will update, should I hear.
The airline did tell CNBC that it hopes the boarding process will become faster.
Is this to make customers happy? Well, not principally.
United and other airlines are currently obsessed with so-called D0 -- the need to ensure that the plane departs the gate on time, even if this means certain service touches, such as processing upgrades, might be a touch curtailed.
Should you be blessed with the new system this summer, you'll also notice that the upgrade list will no longer appear on the gate's TV monitors.
This is to help passengers understand which group is currently being boarded.
I can't help thinking, though, that it will also upset those who adore seeing (a small part of) their names high up in lights, lording it over the ordinary people.
Spare a thought, too, for those who have booked Basic Economy tickets.
They (should) know that they will board last.
Indeed, they have little incentive to line up, as they've been given the worst middle seats United can find and they can't use the overhead bins. Their carry-on has to fit under the seat in front.
Oh, but these people have egos too. And people are sneaky.
Who cannot imagine that a few Basic Economists will try and slip oversized bags into the overhead bins? (There's a $50 fee if they get caught.)
And to do that they have to be the first Basic Economist on board.
There's another complication.
This allows you to get on the plane sooner.
Yes, of course there's a fee attached -- at least $9 -- but what it really amounts to is a fee for overhead bin space.
I imagine that those who have paid this fee will still want to compete to get on the plane quicker than all the others who have paid the fee.
Oh, I still fear chaos.