Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
I want the whole world to be happy.
But we're not all made happy by the same things, even though Silicon Valley would rather prefer it if we were.
There are times, though, when the have-littles look at the have-a-lots and want to bang their heads on the walls of the Department of Injustice.
This is certainly the case when flying.
It's bad enough that there's a curtain dividing the top class from the rest.
It's worse when the aroma of their freshly cooked (well, freshly warmed) food wafts toward the back, as your teeth are resisting your stale ham sandwich.
Now, though, United Airlines would like to make it a touch more painful.
It's offering its higher rollers a very fine perk. Their own terminal.
United has announced that those passing into Los Angeles International Airport will be able to bathe in the joys of a separate terminal called the Private Suite.
It has its own security, its own customs, and its own secret handshake that involves shaking with one hand, while tapping one's left nostril with the other.
Yes, I did make up that last element.
What isn't invented is that, once your flight is called, you'll be driven to your plane in a 7-Series BMW.
Because a 5-Series would be manifestly déclassé.
I asked United which specific passengers would be eligible for such luxury.
"The experience will be part of a fare that can be bought for now via select travel agents and corporate booking desks. It is not an add-on," a spokeswoman told me.
The airline did say in its announcement: "If you're departing LAX for Aspen [Colorado], Cabo San Lucas [Mexico], Hawaii, London Heathrow, Melbourne, New York/Newark, Shanghai, Singapore, Sydney, or Tokyo Narita--or arriving into LAX from any of these locations--you'll be able to take advantage of this one-of-a-kind experience."
It adds that this is available only to several-of-a-kind "select" customers. Who presumably make their bookings at "select" travel agents.
Don't you feel like a select customer, even if you're being forced to fly in basic economy?
Oh, you don't?
This service, for which those who wish to be kept away from the riff and the raff of society usually pay $4,500 a year, has some quite tantalizing aspects.
United boasts: "A team of eight people is assigned to each booking, ensuring a seamless experience for both outbound and inbound flights."
Wait, you're going to have eight people bowing and scraping upon you just because you're wealthy, while you'll likely not even have anywhere near eight people serving the whole of your flight in economy?
You'll especially appreciate the United Private Suite FAQ. It has the potential to make you feel truly terrible.
Sample question: "Where will my concierge meet me to drive me to my aircraft?"
Second sample question: "Will I have lounge space at The Private Suite facility all to myself?"
Third sample question: "Do you serve gold-infused caviar on whole wheat bread, with an avocado slice on the side?"
Only one of those questions isn't actually in the FAQ.
Of course, airlines are pandering to the exalted few.
Why, only last week, United reversed its decision to take away fancy people's free tomato juice and meals on flight under four hours after a mass first class ululation.
A Private Suite is the least they can offer them in compensation, isn't it?