Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
You want to get out of the class you're in.
Otherwise, you commit some of your hard-earned miles in the hope of a seat that fits a human and a meal fit for a human.
One airline, though, has hit upon a completely different criterion for choosing passengers to upgrade. For free, that is.
As the Mirror reports, the UK's Monarch Airlines is offering upgrades to passengers who are in a good mood.
It's delicious psychology.
It's an admission that air travel makes people more miserable than creating a new hole in their heads with a corkscrew.
It's also a wonderful way to get passengers to behave better, just in case.
Naturally, the airline makes more commercial claims for this move. It is, allegedly, all part of a year-long campaign to promote "traditional values of chivalry, courtesy and respect."
It's as if Monarch executives have never been online. Or in a coach seat, for that matter.
Monarch says that this brainwave came after research performed by Professor Jonathan Freeman of Goldsmith's University in London.
The startling result of this research was niceness is linked to "an increase in happiness, perceived health and success."
Tell that to Travis Kalanick. This might save him from himself.
Please hark at this from the airline's COO Nils Christy: "Our customer services staff are already nice -- now they can reward those who are positively nice to them too."
This is surely enlightened when compared with American Airlines. It actually spent untold millions on an ad campaign telling people to behave better on flights.
I have one small concern, however.
There will now be thousands and thousands of passengers evincing an unnatural good cheer as they arrive at Monarch Airlines' check-in counters.
The offer is, though, only subject to both availability and the personal whim of the person making the decision.
The vast majority of passengers, therefore, will learn that their (apparently) wonderful moods get them nothing.
So when they squeeze themselves into those miserable coach seats, their moods will sour, their mouths will droop and someone will suffer for it.
Now isn't that an excellent test of Monarch's customer service?