Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

 

We're all purists in love.

Until we reach our late teens, that is.

Then, other factors seem to creep in.

We wonder about, as they say in Downton Abbey, their prospects. We must decide whether they will contribute fairly when the bills come in. We hope that there's going to be an inheritance, or at least a decent social security plan.

You know, just in case.

It's an uncertain world, after all. We can't help it if our minds drift toward thoughts of our own salvation.

Financial, you understand, not spiritual.

Bloomberg thought it would look at the 2014 American Community Survey from the Census Bureau and deduce which professions might be coupling with which other professions.

The chart is a little confusing, as there are so many couplings. I may have misread one or two of its finer points.

Just playing with it, though, is a delight for those who understand that love means fitting in with someone else's lifestyle, as well as that person's bank account, snoring habits and personal hygiene proclivities.

You will be stunned, for example, that chefs and head cooks are most likely to marry chefs and head cooks. Or, lat least, someone in the business.

Honestly, have you ever tried dating a chef? All they talk about is food and how much they (don't) respect other chefs. Then there are the ungodly hours they keep. They roll home at 1.30am, go to sleep at three and get up whenever their inner chemicals tell them to.

Only someone who does the same can relate to that. Unless, of course, the chef wins Top Chef and travels around the country making made-for-TV meals.

The chart helpfully segments all sexual permutations.

Let's stay with food for a moment. Why is it that gay male barbers have a marital thing for food preparation workers.

There needs to be research on this.

Then there's heterosexual female lawyers and judges. They couple legally with, goodness, male lawyers and judges.

Can you imagine how fascinating those households must be?

On the other hand, gay female lawyers and judges have a marital penchant for female computer workers. 

There has to be some psychological underpinning to this. And I'm not going to try even guessing at it.

Why do male taxi drivers and chauffeurs most often marry nursing, psychiatric and home health aides?

And male clergy? They have a very big thing for female elementary and middle school teachers, it seems. So do service sales reps.

Indeed, female elementary and middle school teachers are in massive demand. They are also the favored marital partners of male chief executives and legislators.

Female CEOs, however, are less enamored with education. They're most likely to marry female managers or, sigh, male CEOs.

Male derrick, rotary drill and service unit operators tend to marry female bartenders.

However, gay female derrick, rotary drill and service unit operators are far, far keener on female insurance sales agents.

Some questions will, of course, forever remain unanswered.

Why do gay male PR people most often marry computer support specialists? Why do gay female morticians, undertakers and funeral directors most often marry hairdressers, hairstylists and cosmetologists? Why do gay female roofers marry massage therapists?

I think, though, I may have an answer to this common coupling: Miscellaneous managers most often marry travel agents.

Honestly, if you're a miscellaneous manager, you want to get away as often as you can.

Then there are software developers. They marry in-house. Well, they never get up from their laptops, do they? Unless, that is, they are gay and male. Then they marry recreation and fitness workers.

In the end, you will claim that you marry more than your spouse's job.

What this chart doesn't show, however, is which coupling of professions last the longest.

My bet is that it's the lawyers who marry lawyers. They know that if it ever comes to divorce, it will be a little like Brad and Angelina arguing over who is the cutest. 

There may never be a resolution.