Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

It's likely been affecting you every morning for the last few years.

You go into Starbucks and you have to make do.

Yes, the menu looks perfect. Or as perfect as anything can look at 7.27 am.

But every time you walk into your local barista heaven, your conscience gnaws at you.

"Ask them," it says.

Courage, though, is rarely yours.

Now you don't need to worry. From September 6, Seattle's finest -- well, most global -- coffee chain is making a soaring addition to its menu.

Yes, almond milk.

Actually, I don't have that quite right. It's adding Almondmilk.

This isn't some off-the-shelf concoction that the company has secured a great deal for.

This is Starbucks very own concoction, which was, perhaps, an even better deal than the off-the-shelf version.

You've tried soymilk and coconutmilk (note Starbucks' exciting spelling), haven't you?

They just didn't do it for you.

You know that, deep inside your intolerance for lactose is significant.

But your intolerance for things that don't taste good wins every time.

Whisper it quietly, but Americans cannot even cope with skim milk anymore.

Sales of almond milk, on the other hand, have increased by 250 percent over the last five years. It now enjoys 60 percent of the non-dairy market, says Starbucks.

So now the company wants you to bathe in this new glory and march off to raise American capitalism to new heights.

And look at the words it's using: "The almond butter in our almondmilk adds body and complements the roasty notes of espresso."

Aren't you desperate for roastiness and body first thing in the morning? Isn't that what's been holding you back from being your best you

Won't the arrival of Starbucks Almondmilk assuage your guilt and make you feel as if your life has new meaning?

Will you, in fact, line up on September 6 outside one of the 4,600 stores which will offer Almondmilk.

Yes, this might be as big as an iPhone launch.

And far more edifying.

Aug 10, 2016