It's sad truth that most new year's resolutions don't survive the first week, let alone the first month. This column contains the nine most common (and commonly failed) new year's resolutions, ever so slightly altered to make them easier to keep:

  1. I resolve to eat healthier... by drinking at least 6 cups of coffee a day. Numerous scientific studies have proven that coffee is a superfood that reduces heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and literally extends the average lifespan.
  2. I resolve to get more exercise... by buying a hand-crank coffee grinder. Seriously, though, you'll be more motivated to work out each morning if you tie your workout to drinking your first cup of coffee. Coffee also enhances athletic performance.
  3. I resolve to save more money... by brewing my own coffee. Coffee from Starbucks or even McDonalds has an incredible markup... and they don't even use high-quality, recently-roasted beans. You can make much better, for about 25 cents a cup.
  4. I resolve to take better care of myself... by drinking really good coffee. There are few pleasures in life more satisfying and more healthy than drinking a mug of freshly-ground, freshly-brewed coffee.
  5. I resolve to read more... about coffee, specifically. And if you do so, one of the first things you'll find out is that coffee is naturally sweet not bitter. If a cup of black coffee is bitter, it hasn't been prepared correctly. Great coffee needs no unhealthy additives.
  6. I resolve to make new friends... which is easiest when drinking coffee. A "no brainer" way to turn acquaintances into friends is to offer to meet them at 8 a.m. at a coffee shop to have a conversation and a few laughs.
  7. I resolve to learn a new skill... like correctly using a French press. Honestly, there are few skills that will improve your life more consistently than learning how to make coffee correctly. Hint: throw away that automatic coffee machine. Yech!
  8. I resolve to get a new job... where they provide high quality free coffee. Any company that doesn't supply free coffee to its workers is either cheap, stupid (because coffee is a known performance enhancer) or most probably both.
  9. I resolve to take up a new hobby... namely drinking espresso. If you love coffee like I do, you'll eventually want to leave childish brews behind, graduate to the big leagues and take a sip of that little cup of heaven. Ahhhhh....
  10. I resolve to drink more coffee anyway... because why the hell not?

The one select group who shouldn't be drinking coffee? Pregnant women. Not because coffee isn't good for them (it's very good for them) but because it slightly increases the risk of miscarriage. But then, if you're pregnant, you've got enough stuff happening next year without worrying about new year's resolutions, right?