It's Festivus and like any celebrant of the "rest of us" holiday, I'm fully prepared to air my grievances (and demonstrate my feats of strength) at the annual family Festivus feast. Meanwhile, I have some grievances about customer support:

  • When I call support and want to talk to a human being, you can tell me ONCE that I might get quicker service if I use the website. Don't tell me every 30 seconds.
  • When I call support and have to wait in a queue, don't play obnoxious music hoping that I'll hang up and use the website. This behavior makes me hate you.
  • When I call support, never, ever, use the phrase "For your convenience..." You and I both know that whatever it is, it's for YOUR convenience, not mine.
  • When I call support, please connect me with somebody who is fluent in my language. Accents are fine but don't make me struggle to simply communicate.
  • When I call support, don't ask if I'll do a  survey after the call. I'll always say "yes" because the agent might give me better service. Then I don't take it because I'm busy.
  • When I use chat support, don't try to pawn off a chat bot as a real person. You're not fooling me and you're not fooling anyone else. All AI is as dumb as Siri. 
  • When I call support, don't try to up-sell me something expensive that I don't want just to fix a problem with your product.
  • When I call support, don't try to convince me that it's my problem if I don't understand the pretzel logic of your menu layout.
  • When I call support and report a bug, don't try to charge me to fix it. (This really happened to me once with AutoDesk). If I'm debugging, you owe me not vice versa.
  • When I call support, do not remove me from your do-not-call list and than sell my number to other companies.
  • When I call support and it turns out that I've done something stupid (like I forgot to plug the monitor in), don't make it subtly clear you think I'm an idiot.
  • If customer support is costing your firm a lot of money, hey, maybe you need to redesign the product or create some readable documentation and user guides.

My final grievance about customer support comes from the other side.

  • All the grievances described above aren't the fault of the customer support agent. When anyone calls customer support (including you and me), it is NEVER appropriate to lose your temper and yell at the agent, regardless of how frustrated you are and how lousy a day you're having. If you behave unprofessionally, they've got every moral right to put you on hold until you've cooled your jets.

Anyway, those are my grievance for this year. Maybe some of the companies that provide lousy customer support will read this and change their ways. If so...