Go Ahead and Say No to That Invite: Research Shows the Host Will Mind a Lot Less Than You Think

We’re deep into the holiday season now, and if you’re feeling a little socialized out, you are not alone. Depending on which not terribly scientific survey you choose to believe, something like a third of us end the holidays feeling burnt out out from too many parties, social obligations, and family events 

Neuroscientists say there is a good reason the festive period tests our limits. A couple of professors explain all the mechanics in detail here, but the basic idea is the stress of gifting, small talk, crazy relatives, and travel disruptions spike adrenaline and cortisol in your body. The result is that desire you might feel around now to curl up in bed and not see another human for a week. 

If that describes you, what should you do about it? Is it OK to reject a few remaining invitations and recharge a little bit for the year to come? The Emily Posts of the world might disagree, but recent research offers a science- rather than etiquette-based answer. It turns out most of us overestimate how much offense people take when we decline their invites, leading burnt-out entrepreneurs to say yes to far more invitations than they should. 

Stop saying yes to invitations out of obligation 

The study — out of West Virginia University — was recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It was inspired by the lead author Julian Givi’s own experience of overdoing things socially. 

“I was once invited to an event that I absolutely did not want to attend, but I attended anyways because I was nervous that the person who invited me would be upset if I did not–and that appears to be a common experience,” he explained.

Clearly a conscientious and rational type, Givi decided to investigate whether his assumptions were correct. Would his prospective host really have been offended if he’d declined that invite? To figure this out, he recruited 2,000 volunteers, some of whom knew each other well and some who were strangers, to give and and reject invitations to social events, both real and imagined. The volunteers both guessed how mad the other party would be to get a no and reported how bothered they were by rejections to their invitations.  

No matter the details of the experiments, the results were always the same. 

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Givi explained. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

Hosts, in other words, tend to be far more understanding than invitees expect, at least when the invitee is prompt and courteous in turning down the invitation. Which leads straight to a useful takeaway for entrepreneurs teetering on the edge of burnout: It’s OK to say no if you really don’t want to go. 

Or, as Givi concludes: “Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events. Don’t be afraid to turn down invitations here and there.”