Don't worry, nothing to be afraid of here. I'm a friend.
Your loved ones wanted us to speak because you have a problem. It has to do with the amount of time you spend on LinkedIn.
I know, because I've been there myself. But I can help.
What's that you say? Ah, yes. Denial. I remember that stage.
You want me to prove it? OK. Tell me you're not guilty of more than a few of the following:
1. You check LinkedIn:
- during every lunch break.
- more than five times per day. Or per hour.
- at every red light.
- while playing with your kids.
2. Checking LinkedIn is the first thing you do when you wake up.
3. And the last thing you do before going to sleep.
4. While talking with your spouse over dinner, you accidentally drop your fork under the table. This is a secret ploy to take out your phone and see how many times your LinkedIn blog post has been viewed.
5. You secretly fantasize that you will connect with Donald Trump on LinkedIn, and he will make you his next "Apprentice" because he finds your profile "awesome."
6. You consider your LinkedIn connections your closest friends, and are starting to communicate with them more than other friends or family.
7. You want to marry LinkedIn.
8. You spend hours trying to decide whether you should call yourself "manager" or "director of operations" regarding the position you held back in 1992--as the evening shift team leader at Radio Shack.
9. You constantly look up old classmates to see if your profile is better than theirs.
10. You're considering a LinkedIn tattoo. On your face.
11. You squeal with joy when you move up a number on the "How you rank for profile views" scale.
12. You have a sudden, inexplicable desire to work for Richard Branson.
13. You've connected with a number of LinkedIn employees, just because you think they're cool...
14. ... And when they don't email you back, you rationalize: 'Well, I'm sure they're busy. They are working for the most bestest company in the world."
15. If LinkedIn bought some land and built their own country, you'd apply for citizenship.
16. You keep sending Mark Cuban invitations to connect.
17. After you post a "brilliant" comment on LinkedIn, you constantly look to see if someone's replied. If they have, you feel symptoms typical of a heart attack if something prevents you from responding right away.
18. You know who Reid Hoffman and Jeff Weiner are. But you keep confusing the names of your kids.
19. When asked for the definition of "pulse," you don't think, "the thing you feel on someone's wrist to see if they're alive," or, "a type of vibration." Instead, you reply quickly: "My favorite online reading platform!"
20. It really bothers you that there's no official certification for "LinkedIn Guru." If there was, you'd pay hundreds of dollars to get it.
21. You wear LinkedIn apparel, even though you don't work there.
22. You tried to convince your spouse to name your second child LinkedIn. I know it was just the middle name. You're missing the point.
23. Your ultimate goal in life is to become a LinkedIn Influencer.
24. After breaking the addiction, you still can't stop writing about LinkedIn ... Hey, wait. Who put that in here?
OK. Maybe we can help each other.