For a while I was telemarketer free. I registered on the Do Not Call list and for the most part the law forced people to leave me alone with the exception of charities and politicians of course.
But lately there has been a massive push from B2B lenders blowing up my phone. They excitedly tell me that they can loan my company up to $250,000 regardless of credit or profitability. These people claim the Do Not Call List doesn't apply to them because they are calling a business not a consumer.
These companies are prolific and annoying. They use robo-dialers and auto number generators and they seem to skip past my blocks in an endless game of Whack-a-mole. I get as many as 21 calls a week these days. Oddly, they seem so surprised when I tell them to stop calling and take me off their list.
Finally, I decided simply to make their calls a game. Below are many of the responses I use to entertain myself and frustrate the telemarketers when they call or maybe even entertain them as well. It's not like dialing angry people is a fun job.
Next time you get that unwanted call, try a few of these responses.
1. " Mr. Daum is happy to speak to you. His billing rate is $500 per hour. If you'll give me your credit card number now, I'll book a time slot just for you."
2. "Oh, I thought you were my ride? Can you Uber a car for me?"
3. "I'm busy now, but I'm free around midnight. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back?"
4. "I am planning to audition for The Voice next week. I've been practicing Sinatra's "My Way." Could you tell me what you think?"
5. "What are you wearing?"
6. "Wanna know what I'm wearing?"
7. "Can you please call back? I am on the other line with my proctologist and he is trying to explain to me why I am a perfect ass."
8. "I am so glad you called. I just finished memorizing the Gettysburg Address. Can I try it out on you?"
9. "Nice to hear from you! I'm fundraising on behalf of ' Kanye for President.' Can I count on you for a donation?
10. "My puppy has been doing the cutest things all morning. If you give me your cell number I'll text you some pictures."
11. "Hey, great timing. Can you settle an argument between my wife and me?"
12. "I've been thinking about breaking into phone sales myself. Can you tell me how you got started?"
13. "It's so nice to hear a young voice. It's been too quiet around here with my kid in juvie. Tell me about your day."
14. "Can you belch the alphabet? I can. Here, check this out..."
15. "I just got an online certification in astrology. Tell me your birthday and I'll give you your horoscope for today."
16. "I'm working on jokes for my next Toastmaster's meeting. Knock knock!..."
17. "I just had a great session with my shrink and I'm dying to share this breakthrough I had."
18. "Sure, I'll listen to your pitch. But you've got to promise to try this cleanse I just finished."
19. "Oh, I'm so glad you called! I just created a great new app for telemarketers and I'd love to sign you up now."
20. "You're the hundredth caller today. You win a special prize. Hold on for just 30 minutes and I'll get it for you."
21. "Oh thank god you called. There is a Nigerian prince who left me $10 million. I need to send a bank account # to collect. If you give me yours, we can split it."