I well remember the sound of the crunching of gravel as two young men steadied the heavy gurney between them. I stood in the doorway with my mother and siblings, all of us holding hands, witnessing this last journey my father would make - down the walkway he'd poured, away from the home he had built. It was his final farewell, the end of the long goodbye that had been his journey since his diagnosis of Alzheimer's several years before.
But more than those memories, I recall with vivid clarity the sound of gravel crunching under my own feet, of my keys jangling together as I pulled them from my purse to start my own vehicle, of my own half-sobs as I struggled to hold back my own tears as I followed the van carrying my father's body down the driveway and away from our parents' home.
I almost wish I couldn't recall the feeling of my heart breaking over and over as the little girl inside begged for time to grieve with family, to cry and remember the small moments that had made up our fifty-some years together as a family. The little girl inside had to stay quiet that morning so that the grownup could do what needed done.
I had a meeting within the hour with an investor, and as much as I needed to grieve, I also needed to fulfill the commitments I'd made to my cofounders and employees to secure the capital we needed for our startup.
While I am quite grateful for the grace I found to get through that meeting, I am well aware that the personal cost was incredibly high.
As business owners, we calculate and plan for a lot of costs -- operations, production, marketing, new hires. We make and refine projections to understand when we will break even or start making profit. But very few of us begin this entrepreneurial journey with the same level of preparation for managing our stress, fear, exhaustion or the dynamics of our personal relationships.
I had already launched APPCityLife when my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and the demands I faced with growing a startup resulted in very limited bandwidth to help my mom with the many hurdles she faced as his disease progressed.
When I took time out of my work schedule to be with my parents, it was time not spent our business. When on travel or overloaded with meetings or work, I missed out on time with family that I couldn't get back. I endured many sleepless nights worrying about how to give more, do more, and be more to my team and my family.
Life is messy, and it doesn't come in neat little packages that focus on one thing at a time. In the middle of our ambitions and professional goals, we often come face to face with tragedy or heartache - and finding the mental and emotional balance to cope with it all can be quite difficult.
For me, finding that balance has meant embracing a healthy dose of pragmatism about what I actually owe others in the way of sacrifice and what is my own misplaced guilt.
I've learned to be more efficient and disciplined with my time, getting up earlier to take advantage of the quiet time in the morning before the day gets crazy. I mute text messaging and email notifications from everyone except my family and colleagues so that I can be more focused on what I am doing in the moment.
I give myself permission to be "off the grid" to recharge whenever I can.
I am grateful to be part of a supportive team that picks up the slack for each other when the demands of life and work clash. In the time that we've been together, all of our startup's cofounders have faced similar difficulties as my own - and all of us have had to balance the needs of the team with the needs of our own and our families'. We've done our best to carry each other through the difficult moments in our lives. For me, this mutual support is one of the markers of a truly successful startup team.
Oh, and the investor I met with that day?
They didn't invest.
Others did, and we've since enjoyed an incredible time of growth in our startup.
But I'm not sorry I made the effort. I learned I was stronger than I thought - and that knowledge alone has allowed me to make decisions from a place of confidence instead of fear. I am also learning that it is ok to define better boundaries for myself on what is reasonable sacrifice to seize an opportunity or meet an important milestone or deadline - and what is unnecessary or off limits.
There is a lot of conventional wisdom telling entrepreneurs to sacrifice more, give more, and push harder in order to succeed - and it really does take being "all in" to succeed. But we don't talk nearly enough about what to do or how to cope when life happens to us on our way to success. Nor do we talk enough about redefining our own view of success to include emotionally fulfilling, healthy lives.
Maybe it's time we do.