April Fool's Day is confusing everyone this year by falling on a Saturday, when most of us are away from our offices and some of us might even be away from the Internet. So a lot of literally forward-thinking companies are trying to claim the limelight by launching their April Fool's jokes early. Unlike last year's mic drop fiasco, many of this year's joke products are things most of us would love to buy, if only we could.

Here's a list of our favorite fake-products we can't buy in 2017, but perhaps someday in the future. Meantime, if you want to keep tabs on all the April 1st tomfoolery, The Washington Post is thoughtfully supplying a master list that it will keep updating all day as new pranks are discovered.

1. Autonomous driving for the car blocking your lane.

I want one. Everyone does.

 

2. A drone-powered hologram that attends meetings for you.

Also handy for those obligatory dinners at the in-laws.

 

3. Alexa skills for your pets.

My cats are hoping this will arrive someday.

 

4. Data transmission faster than light.

At last! A USB cable that can help me figure out where I left my phone.

 

5. A night at the White House.

Does President Donald Trump really need the whole White House? After all, his wife doesn't live there and he spends a lot of his time at Mar-a-Lago. Meanwhile, he's pushing tax reform legislation that is likely to lower the federal government's annual revenues. What better way to make up some of the shortfall than by renting an unused room or two via the vacation rental site Tripping? Wouldn't that make your next business trip to DC more fun?

6. Invisible glasses.

If you're a fan of Ghost in the Shell, you've probably been yearning for years for the "thermoptic camouflage" that can make objects and cyborgs invisible. There are probably a few more years to wait, but in the meantime, every eyeglass-wearer would probably love a pair of these glasses from GlassesUSA.com. The explanation of how they work is so detailed it's almost convincing.

7. Insurance for when you move to Mars.

Losses from meteorites, dust storms, and alien thieves are all covered by Progressive for your pod or rover. Makes relocating to the red planet risk-free.

8. A speed course in the language of emoji.

Do you know what the heck all those emoji are for? I sure don't. I can barely differentiate between the dozens of slightly different smiley faces that all have their own subtle meanings. Now, thanks to Duolingo I'll be able to tell if we're discussing lumber or ordering alcoholic beverages.

9. A smartphone app that can vaporize your clutter.

We have to hire someone this spring to clean out all the leftover items that have been stored in our garage for the last three years. Using the "Hide From my Room" feature would be a lot handier.

Published on: Mar 31, 2017
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