It's that time of year again for the most hallowed of workplace wonderment--the holiday office party. Which means regrets will be piling up faster than excuses not to attend work the day after.

Proving that there's nothing in life that can't be studied, Four Loko just published a report based on surveying 2,000 working Americans on how they felt about their upcoming yuletide festivities. What they found may make you giggle in your eggnog.

If you want to keep your career on a magical sleigh ride northward, note some of the statistics from the study (and my running commentary) that follows.

1. 26 percent have done something they regret at a holiday party.

The top regrets (in order) are hooking up with a co-worker, saying something rude, or gossiping. I've done all three with and about a co-worker--at the same party. So I'm not casting stones here. (Kidding. I haven't done that and I'm totally chucking rocks)

Interestingly, 41 percent of workers know someone who hooked up with a coworker at a holiday party. So, cross-referencing that with the fact that only 26 percent regret something they've done at a holiday party, that means there's a whole lot of people with zero guilt about meeting up in the supply closet. It's just math, people.

2. 18 percent are embarrassed to go to work the next day.

In fact, 16 percent actually don't, opting instead to call in sick. (If you're wondering why, for the love of Saint Nick see point one above) Other, more creative souls opted for the next point.

3. 10 percent have slept at the office after the party.

Kudos for not trying to drive home, I suppose. Although they have this futuristic thing now called Uber. I think sleeping at my cubicle and waking up next to coworkers with dry mouth, confetti in my hair, and an imprint in my forehead from sleeping on the stapler is just one step short of a full-blown nightmare. 

4. 47 percent are excited to attend their office holiday party (which means 53 percent are not)

Yet another sign of a divisive world I suppose. I'd love to hear from you in response to this point--are you jazzed about your holiday party, or is it more of a "fa-la-la-later" attitude?

5. 62 percent try to avoid certain people at their company holiday party.

Isn't this a time for putting aside differences and fostering peace on earth? For bringing goodwill to man and woman? Nah. It's just easier to avoid the dance floor where that jerk Phil (from accounting) is attempting a moonwalk.

6. The bosses' presence at the party is not a present.

The study shows that among the things that workers like least about the holiday office party (next to feeling obligated to attend and small talk) is seeing their boss in a social setting. That said, 36 percent have seen their boss do something embarrassing at the company party, so you got that going for you. Which is nice.

7. Naughty has a name. And it's most likely John or Sarah.

The names of male coworkers most likely to cause trouble are (in order): John, Mike, Jim, Tom, and Matt. For females, it's Sarah, Jessica, Lisa, Ashley, and Susan. Feel free to engage in some pre-party needling of all the people you know with these names (you can cite this article as "scientifically proven fact"). 

So, before you go dreading this holiday's extravaganza, approach it with a twinkle in your eye as only 9 percent of us actually get reprimanded in the aftermath (think of it like the movie "Purge", but slightly less violent and for the office). And if things get fuzzy, you can always sleep it off right at the office, along with 10 percent of your co-workers. 

Published on: Dec 4, 2018
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