One thing I love about being a woman on LinkedIn is the fabulous messages I get from Army Generals and entrepreneurs who find me so incredibly attractive that they have to reach out. Like this message I received today from "Greg." 

I put "Greg" in quotation marks because, while he says that's his name, I have my doubts. But, hey, love is love regardless of the name. Anyway, here's the message:

 

Hello,  

How are you doing? I hope this finds you in good health. I have been going through some profiles and yours catches my attention. Your extremely beautiful and I would like to get to know more about you. I'm an entrepreneaur. Owning two businesses. One in china and one in Turkey. Widowed and searching for a woman who is like minded and would like to build my business with me. what do you thing? I hope to reading from you soon  

Regards Greg

You've gotta be kidding me. Needless to say, this message did not work on me, and I suspect it might not be effective on the other ladies on the world's biggest dating site---er, I mean LinkedIn. So, in the spirit of Valentine's day, I thought I'd give Greg and his fellow true love searchers some help in picking up women on LinkedIn.

Get Grammarly

Now, I'm not too judgy. Heaven knows I make typos all the time. But, when you're seeking true love, it's best to take the time to get things right. It should be "You're extremely beautiful" instead of "your extremely beautiful," which makes me think your next phrase is "and well-thought-out posts." Which, frankly, is more attractive on LinkedIn. A much better phrase would be, "Your extremely well-thought-out and interesting posts made me want to connect with you."

 

And Grammarly helpfully tells you that you might consider "wonderful, lovely, or magnificent" instead of "extremely beautiful." That's some quality pickup line information.

Knock your imaginary career down a notch

Now, I know you want to impress the ladies, which is why we get tons of messages from Generals and Surgeons. But, honestly, do you think we working ladies want someone with that level of commitment to his job? No. We want someone to help around the house. We want someone who will be there, every night, to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, and then go back to his own home. But, I digress.

As long as you're making up a job, make it a little lower level. Try maybe being a Lieutenant Colonel from time to time or a Certified Nurse Anesthetist. Still, great jobs, but more believable. Remember, imaginary job sacrifices have to be made for true LinkedIn Love.

Buy a map, (or make use of your many online map opportunities)

We women of LinkedIn are there because we have jobs, which makes our relocations quite tricky. But, you. You can pick any country in the world. Greg says he has companies in Turkey and China. The first is realistic to get to for me--as I live in Europe and travel to Turkey regularly to see relatives. The second? Well, Greg, it's a bit far for me. I don't do long-haul flights for any scammer--er, man.

Pick a country or state close to where your potential beloved lives (but not too close, or she might want to meet you and blow your scam), and stay away from one with deadly plagues.

I hope everyone finds true love this Valentine's day. But not on LinkedIn. 

Published on: Feb 11, 2020
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.