The language used to describe something can make a huge difference in our perceptions. Writer and fitness expert James Fell posted a request to "badly explain your profession" on his Facebook Page. He described his own profession as: "I make 'eat less, move more' really complicated."

His followers didn't disappoint. Fell gave me permission to share some of the best bad descriptions.

Kevin: I convert perfectly good jet fuel into noise and chemtrails

Sunita: I withhold antibiotics from children with colds

Jennifer: I give away tax dollars to compost dead chickens and keep cow [bleep] out of creeks.

Emanuel: I get paid for letting people yell at me from a great distance via telephone-lines.

Katie: I assist in cutting a huge belly open and pulling out an approx 7 pound screaming (hopefully_ thing. This process includes fluids of all

Richard: I make sure when you call into my company you have a ton of buttons to push before you get to a human and that your call is properly recording all that [bleep] talking like you do to my coworkers.

Rosie: I pump specific concentrations of sedatives. Opiates and paralyzing agents into people in order to make them just the right level of unconscious that they don't struggle when some other guys put tubes down their throats and attach them to big blowing machines.

Kaye: I am in charge of people who con women out of large amounts of money for a dress they will wear one time to a party they really don't want to have to impress people they don't really like all that much.

Mandy: I spend 14 hour days in a germ-infested building, passing out drugs, looking at way too many strangers' private parts, and then I am required to type about it all in the computer until I die.

Robin: I cut up and reshape limbs so that others can work and live in less stress and comfort. I also reshape the mashed up carcasses to create items that others deem more pleasing to the eye.

Amy: I walk into people's unlocked houses, move their stuff around, smear chemicals from one end to the other, and they thank me for it.

Kristine: I sit 12 people in a freezing room for several days (or weeks), taking them from their jobs and families and try to convince them that I'm right and the other guy/gal is wrong.

Camille: I'm the "Alcohol Fairy." There's no way for me to poorly explain my job. I am the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Mary: I take people's money with the promise that they will get it back when they stop working after paying the government their "share."

Alexandra: I write a lot of emails and then call some people and sometimes even meet groups of these people all in the same room. We talk about some stuff.

Wendy: I tell people what they need to do to fix their legal problems. They ignore me. I do more work to try to fix what they [redacted] up by ignoring me. They complain about their bill.

Monty: I facilitate two people signing lifetime contracts of monogamous commitment.

Jenni: I manipulate sound waves sot hat people twitch and ingest ethanol.

So, after reading all these, how does your job seem? Not so bad, eh? Unless, of course, you want to try your hand at coming up with a negative description of what you do. Leave a comment, or send me an email at

Published on: Jan 10, 2017
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