Adult relationships take work, lots of work. So,you have every right to raise an eyebrow in disbelief when I say stopping harassment is simple.
Stay with me.
It's about NO MORE JUBLA. (More on JUBLA later)
Let me explain. Actually, let me let JAY Z explain.
In a recent New York Times article, the famed rapper-businessman talked about therapy and getting to know himself from the inside out.
His openness and honesty about being unfaithful in his marriage to Beyonce is a powerful example of a man able to get at observation of his behavior, understand its roots and then transform his actions to a more positive way.
The way OUT of old outdated behavior: Observe, Understand and Transform.
Leaders who use the OUT Technique set the stage for their colleagues and employees, all who look up to them, to also want to get OUT of old ways of thinking and acting.
In JAY Z's words "The most important thing I got (from therapy) is that everything is connected. Every emotion is connected and it comes from somewhere. And just being aware of it. Being aware of it in everyday life puts you at such a ... you're at such an advantage. You know, you realize that if someone's racist toward you, it ain't about you. It's about their upbringing and what happened to them, and how that led them to this point. You know, most bullies bully. It just happens. 'Oh, you got bullied as a kid so you trying to bully me." I understand."
Now about JUBLA. The rapper continues, "And once I understand that, instead of reacting to that with anger, I can provide a softer landing and maybe say "Aw man, is you OK?"
No JUBLA: Judgment, Blame or Attack.
Now, I'm not saying that you forgive without holding people accountable.That's a big part of the social revolution we are in today around sexual as well as verbal harassment. People are being brought to task for their unwanted actions.
Of course, Harvey Weinstein, Roger Ailes, Matt Lauer, Bill O'Reilly, Kevin Spacey and so many others are having their feet held to the fire.Yet, that, in itself, is simply not enough for us, as a culture, to move to a new gender equal place.
The patterns we all, yes all, grew up with were to judge others, blame them so we could stay safe, and attack so we are seen as better and stronger.
As a society we are really just in elementary school learning about healthy gender relations, looking for the way OUT:
Observe: How you were treated by the opposite sex when you were growing up. Males, were you the ones who got your way and could trounce on anyone you saw as weak? Females, were you seen as eye candy? Did you stay silent to please even if you were seething inside?
Understand: When did you shut down emotions around sexuality and equally important around power? Who were you hoping to please by your behavior? How did you learn to trust the opposite sex?
Transform: Rework the pattern of pleaser into truth teller, persecutor (bully) into visionary, victim into explorer. Take the time to ask questions and plan and then act on new ways of responding.
As we move to a NO JUBLA world, one where it's no longer acceptable to make fun of others, taunt them with ugly nicknames, grab them without permission and ignore the boundaries of civility, we are on the way to end harassment now.
Join the #NO JUBLA movement. Think before you speak or touch or rage or belittle. And, if you are prone to stay quiet, remember "Those who remain silent are guilty too.".
As JAY Z said " Everything is connected."
It's about you, it's about me and it's about time.